Imagine getting to class and immediately receiving the midterm you took the previous day that you have been nervous about getting back. The professor drops the paper down in front of you, with your respective grade written in big red marker at the top. It’s an A, and you’re feeling on top of the world -- not even sub-par dining hall food can dampen your mood. Except, after class gets out an hour later, you start looking over the graded midterm and notice some things that start to make you feel uneasy.
You thought you answered C to that first question, and could’ve sworn the right answer was E on the next. Dread starts to creep into your mind, and you know what’s coming next. You check your email, and indeed, the professor has sent you a message informing you that he mixed up your test and someone else’s as he was handing it back out. Psych. You actually got a C- and you’re immediately filled with regret.
You should’ve studied harder. If only you’d budgeted your time more wisely. But it’s too late for that, because no amount of regret will change the decisions you made yesterday, and now you’re stuck with the consequences after thinking you’d thwarted the system successfully. Now, imagine that, but in hangover version: the good ol' hits-you-midday hangover. It's horrible, but you don't know that just yet...
Stage 1: When You Get Yourself Into This
Every hangover truly starts at this stage -- the night before. You’re out and about, having a grand ol' time and thinking you’re invincible to the side effects of alcohol. So you lose track of how many drinks you’ve had, and worst of all, you don’t drink any water before bed. In your mind, ain’t nobody got time for that. After all, a little party never killed nobody, am I right?
Stage 2: The “Wow, I Feel Great! Anyone Up For Breakfast?!” Mirage
At this stage, you’re feeling pretty great, and perhaps still a little tipsy. You’re lying in your bed, and nothing sounds better than a nice, big breakfast. Yes, it is too good to be true, but you don’t know that quite yet. So you naively listen to the lies that your stomach and body are telling you, and you spring out of bed to hit the dining hall. It’s going to be a great day!
Stage 3: The Crash And Burn
One minute, you’re sitting there enjoying your eggs and toast. The next, you’re wishing you’d never gotten out of bed and cursing the fact that you don’t have teleportation abilities so you can immediately return to it. Your head is pounding. Your stomach hates you. Your limbs feel like they’ve suddenly become filled with concrete. You didn’t even know it was possible to feel this crappy, and you wish you’d never found out. You never saw this coming until it hit you like a bullet train. Man, present-you really hates past-you.
Stage 4: The Regret
Why did you get out of bed this morning? Why did you think it was okay to take those seven tequila shots last night? Why didn’t you drink even a little bit of water before bed, as you knew you should? You now hate alcohol. You never want to see or taste that liquid devil ever again. In fact, from here on out, you’re going to be sober for the rest of your life. There is no amount of fun in the world that is worth this pain you’re currently experiencing. You would say that you want to die, but it feels like you already have.
Stage 5: Your Transformation From A Semi-Functional Human To An Immobile Sloth
See, with a normal hangover that hits you in the morning, you can continue to just lie in bed and doze through the worst parts of it. By the early afternoon, you’re usually feeling much better, and so you don’t waste the whole day doing nothing. But it’s too late to take back your actions, so you somehow crawl back to your room and plop into bed to suffer out this awful hangover for the rest of the day. Forget any hope of being productive -- when your hangover doesn’t come around until halfway through the day, there’s no chance you’ll be able to do anything remotely productive until the evening at the earliest.
So you just lie there, drowning in hangover and regret. Now you'll remember to drink water before going to bed, won't you?
