No birthdays, no Christmases, no hugs or kisses and no communication what so ever since I was eight years old. At the time I didn’t understand it. I thought you didn’t want me. Why wasn’t I good enough for you? What did I do to make you hate me?
I wish I could make you feel I how I felt the day that you said you didn’t want to be a grandpa. No child should ever feel unwanted by anyone. I would be lying if I said that I was able to eventually shrug off the feeling of rejection and self-doubt because of what you did. I went through counseling and endless nights crying to my mom and dad about how a man I thought was supposed to love me and come to all of my choir concerts, simply didn’t want me.
I went through years of examining myself and my family and trying to figure out why. Why was your new family so much more special than your old one? I bet you hug and kiss your grandkids when you see them. I bet you go to their soccer games and were there when they graduated from high school, and I bet you’ll be there at their weddings. I bet they have never sat and wondered what you look like, like my little sister has to do.
I shouldn’t be so hard on you. I did receive $25 Walmart gift cards in the mail from you every birthday and Christmas. They were signed “with love” by your new wife. It almost turned into a joke in my house. The cards stopped when I turned 18. My sister never got anything from you.
Today, I have (mostly) gotten over everything that you put me and my family through. I still sometimes wonder what you are up to and try to find you on Facebook so that I can show my sister what her “grandpa” looks like. I have learned that maybe it’s not me who messed up, it is most definitely you. I have learned that forgiveness is a process. I have to choose to forgive you every day. Somedays I get mad that I never had that grandfather – granddaughter experience and I have to forgive you. Somedays I even have to learn to forgive myself.
Because of you, I have learned to never question my self-worth based on the actions of another person. I am great, and it is a damn shame that you’ll never get to see the woman that I have become.
