I remember multiple occasions where people have told me, "you have a good heart." With that, I also remember sitting in my mum's office, and she told me, "Your heart is your greatest quality, but it can also be your biggest downfall- your biggest mountain."
I don't know if I have a good heart or not, but I know that I try hard to be compassionate, kind, honest, loyal -- the list goes on of what I strive for, but my aspirations alone do not make me a good person. I have a standard and expectation for myself that I will quite frankly never fully reach. A lot of people comment on my heart, and I think if someone truly is of good heart, you know.
So, if it's true, then I'll humour it and own up to a good heart. Having a good heart is much more than being nice and playing with the kid who sits alone on the playground. It surpasses seeing no division amongst humans. It outweighs consistent heartbreak due to an ungodly optimism. All of these things are side effects of the true cost.
I strive every day to make sure everyone around me is taken care of because I know I can make it through the day if I happen to be the one without a dinner plate. I know what it feels like to be forgotten, and to counter anyone else feeling that, I remember everything. Do you know how painful that is? I associate people with things and movies and smells and places, and it's tiring because you truly cannot forget anything. No small detail goes unnoticed.
I want there to be so much good in the world, that I will let every piece of bad destroy me so that it will fade like a bee that dies after stinging someone.
This "good heart" comes with feeling like you're not good enough. It comes with feeling like everyone is fine without you. I have conservatively felt like I was someone's "perfect." I often worry that there is always someone prettier, skinnier, taller, tanner, healthier, etc.; constant struggles that everyday people suffer. But, when you have a good heart, it seems heightened. Then again, why wouldn't it when it's YOU?
If this is what the poets mean by a heart of gold, then I wouldn't trade it for any amount of riches or happiness. Yes, there are days when it is a mountain that I will never see the top of, but if I truly do have the heart that everyone tells me I have, then I have something that very few people have. I don't want to give that up for anyone or anything.