From The Girl Who Doesn't Do Relationships
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Relationships

From The Girl Who Doesn't Do Relationships

Everyone knows someone like me.

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From The Girl Who Doesn't Do Relationships
Pixabay

We have grown up seeing people kiss, hug, hold hands, and show affection on TV, in movies, in books, and all over the internet. I wonder why I don’t want that, even though I see it everywhere. Maybe I grew up without seeing constant displays of affection in my own home. None of my siblings ever brought anyone home, I didn’t think it was normal. Maybe I am one of those people with “commitment issues.” Maybe I never talked enough about love and relationships. Maybe I believed that relationships never lasted and I never wanted to experience heartbreak. No one knows the reason, but I know that I am too scared, too cautious, too independent to catch feelings.

Everyone started having crushes in middle school. Some people started dating, and I even though I wanted to, but I knew that my mom would not approve of dating at 12 years old, that it was silly and pointless, that there would be nothing serious about it. I thought that about 12 year olds, but maybe that thought continued throughout high school, thinking that relationships are silly and pointless. I thought that there were more important things in life. I wanted to focus on hanging out with friends, on school, on sports.

I had a couple two-month long relationships, but never anything serious. I never muttered “I love you” or thought about marriage or anything serious at all. It was common for me to keep my distance, I never wanted to open up to anyone too much, never wanted to get too close. Maybe I even pushed them away. When going to the mall, I didn’t want to hold hands or show affection. I never wanted to kiss in the hallways at school, or act lovey-dovey because it would draw too much attention. I thought too much about what everyone else would think. I thought about how people were probably thinking that we were too young, or maybe even disrespectful. I wanted to keep any relationship low-key. Staying at home, not going out to dinner, not hanging out in public, not posting on social media.

I never searched for relationships, never dreamed about what a relationship would be like. I felt uncomfortable showing any affection. I wanted no attention drawn to me. The boys that I did date definitely noticed that, and no one wants a relationship where they can’t show affection. When talking about boys to my friends I never will say that I want to go out with anyone, I’ll talk about how cute someone is, but never that I would date them. I began to believe that I am not meant for relationships, that we live in a hook-up culture and that anything else is too much for me to handle. I will hang out and fool around with guys, but I won’t let anything serious emerge. If I ever feel that there is something more serious arising, I will leave the situation.

There had been several occasions when I had felt that I may have wanted more than to just hang out with some people, but then I would push the feelings aside and come up with as many reasons as I could to not allow myself to catch feelings. I don’t want to be that girl that falls in love with someone she barely even knows, or even worse, fall for someone who would never fall for me. I never want anyone to catch feelings for me, because I know I would just be a disappointment. I tell myself, and everyone else “I don’t do feelings” and I don’t, I never have.

Maybe disregarding feelings is my way of protecting myself. I have seen others go through heartbreak and I don’t want to feel that way. I even think that maybe it’s too late for me. I am 19 years old and never been in a relationship, barley ever witnessed any relationships. I wouldn’t know how to act, what to say, what to do. Maybe relationships just aren’t for me, and maybe that’s okay.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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