We have grown up seeing people kiss, hug, hold hands, and show affection on TV, in movies, in books, and all over the internet. I wonder why I don’t want that, even though I see it everywhere. Maybe I grew up without seeing constant displays of affection in my own home. None of my siblings ever brought anyone home, I didn’t think it was normal. Maybe I am one of those people with “commitment issues.” Maybe I never talked enough about love and relationships. Maybe I believed that relationships never lasted and I never wanted to experience heartbreak. No one knows the reason, but I know that I am too scared, too cautious, too independent to catch feelings.

Everyone started having crushes in middle school. Some people started dating, and I even though I wanted to, but I knew that my mom would not approve of dating at 12 years old, that it was silly and pointless, that there would be nothing serious about it. I thought that about 12 year olds, but maybe that thought continued throughout high school, thinking that relationships are silly and pointless. I thought that there were more important things in life. I wanted to focus on hanging out with friends, on school, on sports.

I had a couple two-month long relationships, but never anything serious. I never muttered “I love you” or thought about marriage or anything serious at all. It was common for me to keep my distance, I never wanted to open up to anyone too much, never wanted to get too close. Maybe I even pushed them away. When going to the mall, I didn’t want to hold hands or show affection. I never wanted to kiss in the hallways at school, or act lovey-dovey because it would draw too much attention. I thought too much about what everyone else would think. I thought about how people were probably thinking that we were too young, or maybe even disrespectful. I wanted to keep any relationship low-key. Staying at home, not going out to dinner, not hanging out in public, not posting on social media.

I never searched for relationships, never dreamed about what a relationship would be like. I felt uncomfortable showing any affection. I wanted no attention drawn to me. The boys that I did date definitely noticed that, and no one wants a relationship where they can’t show affection. When talking about boys to my friends I never will say that I want to go out with anyone, I’ll talk about how cute someone is, but never that I would date them. I began to believe that I am not meant for relationships, that we live in a hook-up culture and that anything else is too much for me to handle. I will hang out and fool around with guys, but I won’t let anything serious emerge. If I ever feel that there is something more serious arising, I will leave the situation.

There had been several occasions when I had felt that I may have wanted more than to just hang out with some people, but then I would push the feelings aside and come up with as many reasons as I could to not allow myself to catch feelings. I don’t want to be that girl that falls in love with someone she barely even knows, or even worse, fall for someone who would never fall for me. I never want anyone to catch feelings for me, because I know I would just be a disappointment. I tell myself, and everyone else “I don’t do feelings” and I don’t, I never have.

Maybe disregarding feelings is my way of protecting myself. I have seen others go through heartbreak and I don’t want to feel that way. I even think that maybe it’s too late for me. I am 19 years old and never been in a relationship, barley ever witnessed any relationships. I wouldn’t know how to act, what to say, what to do. Maybe relationships just aren’t for me, and maybe that’s okay.