I took the unconventional route among my friends. Well, it started out conventional but did not end up that way. My intuition threw me a curve ball and it was my first time at bat.

After my high school graduation in June 2012, I had my eyes set towards my upcoming college education six hours away at Duquesne University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I was independent, confident, prepared, and excited... so I thought. I did not even make it through the first semester.

I attended all of my classes, received A's and B's on all of my exams and papers, hell, I even had a half-scholarship. I went out, made a close-knit group of friends with whom I went everywhere with. I wanted to be free and I got the freedom I so desperately yearned for. It was everything I was looking forward to, so why did I feel so hollow? In hindsight, I do not believe I was living out the life I was destined for.

I was in a tumultuous relationship with someone back home who was undeniably toxic for me. Naturally everyone else saw it except for the person who needed to see it the most, myself.

Feeling trapped under the immense pressure of what I felt was expected of me based on my conditioning in high school- sub-consciously trying to measure up to my old classmates — what I should do for a career, how much money I needed to make in the end, how I should act, how often I should go out, what I should wear... What I tended to put the most emphasis on was how I should look which therefore led to how I should eat. Life became a marathon in almost every aspect for me and I needed to flawlessly be at the finish line an hour before everyone else.

One day in October I arrived back to my dorm room from going out to get burritos with some of my friends. I ate the entire burrito and felt as if my world was over. I locked my door, grabbed a toothbrush and my trash can, and did something to my body I thought I would never do. I felt the rush and the relief, countered by guilt, shame, and self-judgment.

I called my mom the next day. I knew something wasn't right and that I just needed to get out of Pittsburgh. The next week, I withdrew from my classes and with an emotional goodbye to my new friends and Pittsburgh. I went back to New Jersey feeling like a failure for my decisions.

When my time back home began, I partook in more eating disorderly behaviors than ever, got a job, went to Renfrew Center in Philadelphia for residential eating disorder treatment twice, had two devastating break-ups, earned numerous promotions at work, went to Intensive Outpatient Therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, met the love of my life, went on adventures to the Pocono mountains and the New Jersey Pinelands, visited my best friend after she moved to California, found something I am passionate enough to go back to school for, and started to learn the importance of radical self-love. I also had numerous people ask me about my plans for going back to school, it became old to me really quickly and I just stopped having emotional reactions to their questions. They did not need to know my reasons for anything if I did not want them to.

During these four gap years, as I like to call them, all I worried about was becoming the best version of me I possibly could be. I discovered hidden talents and passions because I stopped trying to keep up with the Jones'. I found that I love to knit, crochet, paint, and draw. I do not believe I would be able to begin to love myself the way I do now without discovering me from the ground up, which thanks to taking four years off from an education, I was able to do. The gap years taught me to practice forgiveness towards myself and others, radical acceptance, and compassion towards all. Now while most of my friends are going to be putting on their caps and gowns, graduating from a variety of colleges and universities, I will be enrolling as a freshman. Oddly enough, I am okay with that.