One thing that people always forget to do in life is say thank you. That's cliche to say as it is a part of basic manners, but when we say goodbye for the last time, we don't realize it is final, making it harder to comprehend. That's when I realized.
You never know when you are going to say goodbye to someone last.
This year, I learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself, my friends, now acquaintances, and the new strangers. 2021 was a year full of heart-fulfilling moments and heart-wrenching memories. I remember this year, I stepped out of my comfort zone and graduated from high school thinking that those people I was around and sitting next to would be in my life forever. Three months into my first ever semester of college, the two most influential people in my life who I would give the world to leave me. We ended terms on a mutual agreement because, in the end, it was not worth it, and instead of being happy, I lost myself.
In 2021, I watched my eating disorder destroy me to the point where I was an 18-year-old girl whose weight was the same as a 10 to an 11-year-old girl- for those of you who do not know that it was 73 pounds. I was 73 pounds. I then was able to save myself and get up to 100 pounds after a very stressful year, but then lost 20 pounds again, but now I am 97 pounds. It took me years to feel confident and driven to do so. The heartaches I felt when fighting was painful. You never really know what someone is going through, making you realize the value each person holds and how powerful they are.
In 2021, my mental health was not the best. I was in a relationship for 83% of the year, thinking it would fix me, but rather it destroyed me. I felt insecure with myself and undeserving of the love I received. It was my first love, and I, for some reason, had the idea that I was done looking for anyone and found my soulmate and high school sweetheart. I let myself go and gave 100% to them and received barely half of that in return. Looking back at it, it was not real love. It was the first serious relationship I had in my life, and I thought that was all I needed. I let myself cry over it every single night. That sounds dramatic, but I just never felt like enough. I wish I looked better. I wished I felt better, but I was actually just unhappy.
In 2021, my best friend of 6 years and I split ways and went on different paths. This was the most challenging thing for me. My boyfriend of 1.5 years and I broke up, my eating disorder made me sick, and my mental health was at an all-time bottom low. The thing was, though, I knew I would be okay because I knew what I had to do to be okay, but my best friend leaving made it the most difficult. One thing they never talk about is the aftermath of losing a friendship. Like, do you take their photos down? Do you delete their number? Can you reach out and say happy birthday? Like, I don't know the line. But in the end, I was okay.
In 2021, I saved myself from an eating disorder and finally turned around to gain weight and feel healthy and happy. In 2021, my mental health improved to where my depression and anxiety aren't as bad, and I learned how to control my overthinking. In 2021, I realized that it is okay to lose one person because someone comes to replace them. I never knew what good healthy love was until this year. The number of people who came into my life after everything I went through changed me.
One specific thing changed me, and it was in July of this year. I went to the beach, and it was sunset around 7:38 pm. There was a little girl with her dad on the beach, and I just watched her. she took her first-ever steps on that beach and had a smile that just made me want to cry. Not because it was sad, but I just felt happy for her. It made me realize that there are going to be setbacks and then big moments that make us so happy in life. I took my first significant steps in 2021 by saying goodbye to those I thought would be in my life forever. It is weird looking back 5-6 months ago and seeing what changed. I know it is for the best, and I still think about the little girl all the time because it was the most beautiful moment I have seen.
Many people asked me how I was okay when everything in my life felt like falling apart. I didn't cry over the losses of 2021 and everything that happened. I felt at peace. That is still weird to think about. But I don't necessarily think you need to be sad over what happened. The memories I had were special and important to my life. They made me who I am now and gave me more power than anything else. I learned how to love myself and forgive people even when they treated me poorly. I wouldn't replace a thing that happened this year because, in the end, I am at peace.
It is now December 12th, 2021, and I am writing this at 2 in the morning.
There are 19 days left in the year, and there are things I want to leave this year, starting with the closure I never received. If those people ever find this, I am sorry. I am sorry that it did not work out. I hope you are happy and learning to be happy yourself. You are so deserving of what life has to offer. I sometimes wish I could still text you and see how you are, but that is impossible. I am sorry we never got the closure that was needed. You are a good person. I hope you put everything in the past, and 2022 is everything you want and more. I love you and always will. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for being there when you were. Since I won't see you next year,
Happy New Year.
