Facebook Post From 2018

One year ago today I posted this on facebook. It is extremely biter sweet to look back on life and compare 2019 Brittany to the 2015 Brittany. I wanted to find a way I could express myself while also being open with my experiences and this seemed like the best way... Blogging!

I look back to that list and am now up to 16/23 goals marked done!

I was given a writing assignment that I feel would fit well with looking back to where I was and where I am now,

Annual Report:

I had a conversation with my former youth pastor a couple years ago and she asked how I was. I remember saying "i'm fine" and she asked once again how I was and the flood gates opened. She told me she would see me go into "survival mode" meaning when I was struggling with something there was a switch in personalities she would see. That hit home instantly, most of the time when someone would ask me how I was I would say great and tell them something in my life that seemed to be going well. I would always want to be involved in extracurricular activities whenever possible. Then there was the switch, whenever life seemed to throw me a punch I would rarely attend social events and if I did I would isolate myself, my wordy answers became very simple, I did the very minimum of what I had to do to get by and people noticed. This past year has contained some of the best and worst times life has brought my way. I seem to say that every year. There seems to be something that always tops my last devastation. The past 365 days have taught me alot about love, life, and mostly myself.

If I had to summarize the past year it would be: Good, bad, good, worst!

I was finally coming out of the bubble I was in and was attending school regularly and if you know me that's a rare occurrence. Not only was I attending school, I was enjoying it. I had met new people throughout school, church, and everyday life and those people became my core group. Everyday seemed to be a little easier because I had the guidance of doctors. Once again, if you know me then it's no surprise I have battled with anxiety and depression. It was now managed through medication and regular check ins with a therapist. I felt on top of the world. When summer came I moved out of my parents home and had a full time job. Everything was great until Friday July 13th. That was my turning point.

That day I treated like any other, I was a full time nanny and had to get the kids up, breakfast fed, and have them to swim team practice by eight. I was sitting by the pool while the kids were at practice and I experienced the worst abdominal pain I have ever felt. I called my best friends mom and she rushed to the pool and brought me to the hospital. After hours of tests and waiting in the emergency room doctors decided I would benefit from being admitted to Fairfax Hospital. I spent 6 days in Fairfax hospital attached to many machines and being pumped full of drugs because I was experiencing ovarian cysts rupture.

Once I got out of the hospital everyone agreed I needed to take a break from work and spend some time taking care of myself. I spent that summer not doing much of anything except laying around the house and going to doctor appointments. At one of my routine appointments the doctor walked in and had a conversation with me about my weight. He was very direct and told me I needed to lose weight or I couldn't live a long life. That day on I went on a regimen of strict dieting and exercising regularly but I also made a change the doctors were against, I decided to go off of medication. It was hard but overtime I learned to apply healthy coping skills whenever I was feeling down. Throughout the months I lost 50 pounds and gained a new understanding of "taking care of myself" I could confidently say I was happy and I was slowly becoming healthy.

Things were great and then all of a sudden they weren't, In a weeks time I went from loving life to absolutely hating it. My faith was shaken, my heart was broken, and I just wanted it to be over. On November 23rd I tried taking my life. Ironically the woman who told me about the Brittany in "survival mode" was the one who answered my frantic call. I explained what I had just done and she came to where I was and rushed me to the hospital. The doctors told me I needed to participate in an inpatient program at a behavioral health hospital. I like to refer to those as "hell". The place that was supposed to make me feel better usually left me feeling worse. I pleaded with doctors and family and eventually everyone agreed that I would be okay if I skipped that step.

I went home not knowing what to do next, I spent a week in bed. I didn't do anything except sleep. I didn't eat, I didn't shower. I was so mad at myself for calling for help. I knew I wouldn't be feeling the way I was if I was dead. I wouldn't be feeling much of anything. After the week ended my sister sat me down and said I needed to do something because my parents were regretting their decision and were going to arrange for me to be admitted into "hell". I got up and made a list of stuff I needed to do and slowly was able to start doing things to check off that list. I was able to call school and work and start talking about alternative arrangements. Slowly I was getting my life back on track.

It is now a couple months later and I am sitting in class at a new school writing this, I now have a new and better job, and I am still here. I was truly given a second chance to redo life and I am extremely grateful. This past year I have learned a lot and one of the biggest lessons I have learned is how to live for myself. One of the hardest things I have had to come terms with is people are in your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. People I thought would still be in my life are not, accomplishments I wish to have reached by now aren't complete, and the hard days are really hard but I have also learned another lesson… I am only human which means I make mistakes, but I have come a long way and learned so much. I learned that If I have wronged you, I have to ask for forgiveness, if I have helped you I ask what more I could have done, To those I couldn't help or to those that couldn't help me, I ask for understanding and to those who have been there for this intense past year, I say thanks and I hope we share many more years together. "Survival mode Brittany" got me through a lot in life but I am so happy to say goodbye to her. This last year hasn't been what I hoped it to be but it's become better than I could have every imagined. Sometimes things get harder before they get better and that okay.