Feminism.
$100 says that word makes you even more uncomfortable than the word moist.
How did such a simple and fundamentally obvious concept get such a bad rep? Like all things in life, men must be the problem!
Knowing all men stopped reading at this point, I, as an insider feminist, will now let you in on a few secrets of our union (yes, we have an underground union) (each town meets in their local sewer system) (every sunday at 10pm) (unless one of us is PMSing) (then we reschedule for the safety of all present).
To start, we have SO MANY ulterior motives. We disguise our deepest desires with painfully obvious and fair requests so as to not raise suspicion amongst the greater gender. Some red-flag requests include: equal pay for women and men within the same job position (but... we pee waaay more often), close the gender gap in politics (republican, democrat... 32DD perhaps?) or even stand for what's right with the ever-growing cases of sexual harassment and assault (tip: just wear a groutfit girly).
I'll even let you in on our biggest secret yet: OUR GREATEST ENEMY ISN'T MEN. It's actually two very different breeds of women that are doing an equal (yay! equality!) amount of damage to our cause.
The first, I refer to as 'chill' girls. These girls are DOPE, which is obviously why we hate them. Chill girls have made it their priority to undo all the work feminists have been doing since -hmmmmmmm- before Margaret Thatcher. Their main talents include: smiling whilst nodding, deriving self-worth from sex-appeal, and agreeing with 'literally' anything a cute boy says.
Prime example- Justin Timberlake in Bad Teacher:
The second, are what I call 'hardo' girls. These girls are BRAVE. Instead of preaching for equality like the rest of us in SUFU (the Secret Underground Feminist Union), they cut right to the chase, fighting for our tacit, long-term aspiration: the enslavement of the male gender. Starting small with nagging comments like, "what happened to ladies first?!?", hardos reach full maturity when they insist upon special treatment from men while simultaneously hating them with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
Food for thought for some of you hardos blowing our cover: "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't."- Margaret Thatcher.
I've said too much already, so just open the damn door for me gents, because my forearms are weak, you do it so much better, and I'm in a rush to buy more tampons!
