DUFF: designated ugly fat friend.
This term, brought into the mainstream public through the novel and movie, "The Duff", is designated to a person or persons within a group of friends who are the least physically attractive in terms of appearance, dress, or weight, therefore making their friends look better. As per movie expansion, the DUFF doesn't have to be fat or ugly, they can even be good looking; but they're the less "hot" friend, the approachable one, the person you go through to get to their cooler friends. The movie's moral, that everyone is insecure, and therefore, someone's "DUFF" is honestly very moving. At the heart of the matter, life doesn't end quite as nicely as it does for the protagonist Bianca Piper, with a hot guy in your arms who digs confidence and a montage to a Vamps song.
The fact remains, in the real world, "the DUFF" is a very real thing, you either have one, you know one, or you are one.
I've always known that I wasn't like the rest of my friends. There was always the difference, some dynamic that had me at the bottom of the proverbial totem pole, even though we were all equal in brains, talent, and creativity (well, more or less). Something about the reality of the situation clicked for me the first time I read the book, and again when I watched the movie: there was no power struggle, there was no hierarchy in the friendships. I was just the DUFF, pure and simple.
The idea of the DUFF follows me, even now; in any given friend group, I'm always the shortest, the youngest looking, and more likely to be described as "dependable and nice" before anything else. Being the DUFF in a real world setting is a bit different than the movie, but unlike the Tumblr crowd, I don't see it as something to be negative about, even with the bad. In fact, being the DUFF can be empowering, despite its faults, as the whole experience ends up making you stronger.
The Bad and the Ugly
You're often the replaceable friend.
Even in the modern age, there are people, no matter how close you are, that will place that extra emphasis on physical attractiveness. Everything, from your hair style to your makeup, even your conversational skills and hobbies are up for scrutiny. And if someone, friend or not, thinks you'll end up "embarrassing" them or "not fit in" with the crowd they run with, you're liable to be left out of everything. Sure, you pretend the stack of non-invites or being passed up when someone better comes along doesn't hurt, but seeing the names fall off your social media feeds never gets any easier, even if you act like you're above it all.
You have more alone time than you'd like to admit.
As previously stated, when you're "the DUFF," there are times your friends are going to do stuff without you. It's all too common for the rest of your crew to plan movie nights, dinner dates, even club nights without so much as a curtesy invite, and you eventually get used to them talking about their fun times while smiling through the conversation. Over time, you tell yourself that its okay, and even start to believe that they really did just forget to invite you. Your life is just as fulfilling scrolling through Tumblr with a bag of Doritos, reading a good book, or watching your DVR full of reruns, because at least you keep yourself busy.
People are going to judge you.
Those who fall into "the DUFF" category can often be the one with the more eclectic interests whether people realize it or not. No matter how much your friends love you, they can't always get behind your extensive Disney movie collection, conversations over the efficacy of renewable energy, or elaborate Kill La Kill cosplays. Due to the superficial ideas of what makes a person "cool" in American culture, the kids with the different interests or ways of expressing themselves default into this category because people won't take the energy to understand them better. It's unfortunate, sure, but nothing you aren't used to. The comments that may have hurt you at one point are redundant, and you've gained a certain confidence to just brush them off.
People are nice! (When they want something).
The unspoken truth of being "the DUFF" is that the label of "loyal one" can be taken a bit too literally. The same girl who didn't invite you to the club last Friday night is now your best friend because she needs help with her math homework, or wants someone to look over her paper, or go with her to run the errands her roommate's been on her case about for weeks. The juxtaposing attitudes are jarring, particularly when they come from people who either don't know or openly snub you most other times.
It's really, really depressing.
At the end of the day, nobody wants to feel like they're the ugly, unwanted one of the group, especially when this isn't the case. Sure, people will deny it up and down, but the unspoken tension of being "the DUFF" is one that you can't easily forget once the seed is planted in your head. No matter how strong the experience makes you in the long run or how adult you feel sticking to your own convictions, its hurtful. Even if people won't say it to your face, the sentiment is obvious, even if people aren't acclimated with "the DUFF" terminology. No matter how you decide to cope with being a DUFF, you're bound to shed a tear or two over the matter.
The Good
Everyone really is someone's DUFF.
Sure, there may be people who feel more "duffy" than others, but everyone is faced with their own set of insecurities. As the movie states, "there's always going to be someone prettier or smarter than you." And it's the truth; even the most beautiful, well together people have their moments when they feel outcasted. As cliche as the sentiment is, it really is true. Every person in the world has those moments where they feel completely alone and unwanted. Every single one. And the thought sometimes makes you feel less alone.
You learn to avoid unnecessary drama and cliques.
Despite everyone having their insecurities, there are those of us faced with our "duffness" more often than others. However, over time you come to learn how meaningless the labels and name calling are in defining who you are, and in turn, you're more likely to avoid it. When you're faced with constant insecurity and criticism, you've learned to pick your battles and learned to consider the source of whatever is going on. You build a thick skin and know when to walk away, not letting yourself get sucked into the backstabbing and immature nature that comes with socialization.
You're always going to have time for yourself.
Yes, it really stinks not going to parties or being invited out on Saturday nights. While that might be terrible, the things you're interested in will always be able to come first. Even if you have to go it alone, your weekly ventures to the bookstore, or trips to the indie film festival, even the movie that none of your friends would be caught dead seeing, will be time for yourself, and a lot of the time, it has its own kind of rush as you develop an independence and an ability to function socially without the crutch of a friend by your side. And if something comes up or you were invited to something you REALLY didn't want to go to, who cares? You have an easy out, because you've come to prioritize yourself before anyone else.
You're less influenced by pressure to fit in.
Even in college, there is a certain pressure to fit into the uniformity of whichever school you go to, and the temptation to conform doesn't go away because we're legally adults. But as "the DUFF," you've always been different. You've always done your own thing regardless of how people judged you. Impressing people has never taken priority over doing what made you happy because you didn't have to try to be something you weren't. Why would you start that now?
Eventually you learn to love yourself just the way you are.
Being "the DUFF" brings a unique set of problems, the big one is learning to conquer the doubts and insecurities that come with being this person. You've always felt less something than your friends, and those kind of doubts don't go away overnight. But being a "DUFF," you've never been accepted off the bat for being attractive or charismatic. Not only have we had to work hard to overcome an unfair social construct, but we've had to learn to love ourselves again on top of that. The thing is, working that hard to gain your self worth back, makes your confidence something valuable. You put in your time to get it back, and no one will ever like you as much as you like yourself. You slowly learn that it's okay to like yourself, and more importantly, that it's okay if other people don't like you. Like RuPaul always says, "What other people think of me is none of my business." As Disney Channel as it sounds, what you think of yourself is the most important thing. And if you can look at yourself and like the person that you've become, then the labels don't matter. The world can and will try to define you, and in all likelihood, always will. They can't tell you who you are if you spell it out for them.
