I saw a quote on Tumblr that reads, "The problem with putting other people first; you've taught them that you come second." I'm not the type of person to take Internet musings to heart, but this quote, in particular, struck a chord with me, and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since.
I've always considered myself the type of person who would help anyone else in need. Maybe it was my Christian upbringing, or maybe I'm just a really good-natured person.
Yeah, even as I write that, I know it's just a bunch of bull. I figured out at a very young age that when you weren't pretty, smart, funny or well liked, people liked you a hell of a lot more when you were of use to them.
We're all familiar with that pattern: nerdy kid offers to do the popular kid's homework in the hopes of being invited to that party or getting to sit with them at lunch.
What we seldom see is the underbelly of this logic. It creates a doormat out of a person, and before you know it, that nerdy little kid is an adult who can't tell someone no.
That isn't to say that every good action is out of this form of self-retribution to keep yourself included in social circles. I am, at heart, a person who wants to do good for the help of others because that is the way I want to act.
But very quickly, other people can abuse that privilege. Because when you're known as being dependable or helpful, that's eventually all you become known for.
It's happened to me way too many times, something that started off as a kind gesture quickly turns into a demand, and when that demand can no longer be met, you're not of use to anyone anymore.
People I've known over the years have come to know me as the 'willing to do anything for them' type, but what I didn't realize in setting up this archetype for myself, that would become to the sole lens through which I would be viewed.
Sure, I'll stay up all night and talk you through your problem. Absolutely, I'll read something for you. Need an errand run? Need a wing-man? Homework help? Not a problem. No problem at all.
But yeah, it was a problem, because people eventually stopped coming to me for anything besides help.
It's really painful, honestly, to know that you're nothing but helpful to people you thought you shared a closer bond with. The worst part is, these people fail to see you as a person, and don't stop to think about your needs the way they do theirs.
Even though this comes off as depreciating and whiney, it wasn't meant to be that way. The opposite, really.
After all, the only one I have to blame for this is myself.
I'm the one who perpetuates the "helpful friend" label, and I'm the person who enables that kind of treatment, refusing to speak up when I need to and letting it continue.
I want to please people. I want to help them. But at the same time, I'm the one responsible for learning that sometimes I can't do everything that's asked of me and I have to accept that sometimes it may not be an acceptable answer.
Difficult? Yes, but it's OK.
This is nobody's issue but my own. I just have to learn to be able to say, "No."
