It is difficult when you want to write about numerous topics, but you cannot. You have to censor yourself because your parents read everything you write and you have to share your articles for the public online. Why not just have parents not see it? Because at Odyssey, it is my job to share, share and share for the website to receive publicity and once you agree to share it needs to be public. No sharing means no writing. You cannot just ban someone from being unable to view your profile and all the articles you have ever written. Again, it just adds to the cycle of censorship. It makes it extremely difficult that I have limitations around me; a box drawn around my feet saying that I cannot step too far to the left or else I will be in trouble. The kind of trouble that I would get in for fist-fighting my siblings in late elementary school.

See, I care about what they think because they are my parents. I care what they think a little too much, actually, as do most millennials. My father already said that I have “revealed too many secrets” about our family. He said, in the politest tone that he could, that I need to stop writing about familial subjects and tone it down. So I will not write about them after this article anymore (even though they will see this) because I respect them and I am only 20-years-old, so what do I know? I thought Odyssey would be a way for me to write freely; to express my opinions and feelings about certain subjects. I could be the social justice warrior I wanted to be, but my name and my face stain every article I write. The more I write, the more I am known; the more I am labeled by my statements. What if my opinion changes? What if I write a deep, heartfelt article and it turns around to bite me a few months later because I no longer believe in the words I once felt so passionately about? It is the fear of censorship. I want to write about sexuality, I want to write short stories, I want to write about fear and passion and dreams, but I know that I will face some negative consequences because of it whether it be from my father’s mouth or the public. The fear of people’s opinions holds us writers back. The fear of disappointment; the fear of everything, really.

I am afraid because I care too much about what people think. I am afraid that I will always have to write to please my audience and never on what I love. With Odyssey, I still have my limitations; not because of the site itself, but because of the people I am surrounded with. Whenever I have an “actual” job, that is where writing becomes a real business rather than from the heart. I can no longer write what I wish, but what I am ordered to. It would be the complete opposite of Odyssey.

I hope it makes sense what I am saying. I am not complaining about the fact that I have to share what I write. I do not mind, but I am concerned that I am limiting myself in writing because of my fears. The writer needs to be able to speak, and without the outlet, the writer wilts. The audience creates a barrier; in my case, it is censorship. The censorship itself has created a fear that makes me hold my tongue. I need to speak or I will suffocate. I have to get it out of my system.

But my censorship has instilled my fear. The fear is destroying me as a writer; it is limiting me. Parents do not want to listen. They just want to be right. My opinions and faith in my morality will crumple at their sharp tongues and refusal to cooperate. It is an unhealthy cycle that may one day murder the writer inside of me. Hopefully, I will be able to find some way around this. Maybe I could find a website that would allow me to write under a pen name. Maybe I will stop caring about others, or maybe I will just quit writing. Who knows? I have to find an answer sooner or later so I can revive my dying cause. I need to trace back to the reason as to why I wanted to write in the first place. I can do this. I know I can. To any other person that may be writing and as confused as I am, just take this small rant session as a lesson that you are not alone if you feel angst about living up to certain expectations. Writing is difficult because it is open to interpretation and opinion, many of which can be harmful to your cause. It is about finding a positive community and balance that will produce a fruitful mind, and more importantly, about not strangling the writer inside of you because of the idea that you must always censor yourself.