On the Five-Year Anniversary of the Accident, I have nothing profound to say other than that I’m the saddest I’ve been in grief and I miss Nick more than I can probably explain or want to. For the first time in this whole process, I’m finally accepting that I’m not going to see my brother again. It took me almost 5 years to grasp.

Today, I still am in disbelief this is real. I just wish this day never happened. I wish I wasn’t halfway across the province when the accident happened, I wish that I was in Windsor and picked Nick up from school that day, I wish that I hugged him that morning before I left- because what I didn’t know then- that was the last time I had the chance.

If the accident never happened life would just be easier. I wouldn’t have to work up the courage to tell new people in my life that I have a Sibling who passed away and have them treat me differently as a result. I wouldn’t have to constantly explain that the way my brother died was the way he died because the media wouldn’t have covered the story. I wouldn’t have to put on a brave face 90% of the time, in fear that people will be annoyed that I’m still grieving the loss of my brother five years later. Most importantly - Nick would still be here. I’d have a sibling to send Tik Tok’s to, hang out with and confide in, and there wouldn’t be a very apparent missing seat at the Christmas, Easter, or Thanksgiving table.

I have an incredible support system of family and friends, and they’ve never denied me from grieving. I’ve just always felt guilty asking for help. I feel guilty taking away from their happiness by being sad and needing support. So, I decided not to ask for help unless I really needed it and decided to live life presently without acknowledging Nick being gone. This never was a good idea in hindsight.

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This anniversary is always harder for me than the day Nick died- because this is the day every area of my life changed forever. My Parents, my routine, the way I thought about life-all of that changed on this day five years ago. I lived life with rose-coloured glasses on until 4pm on February 13th. That five-minute phone call changed the trajectory of my entire life, and my life has never been the same since.

I wish I could say that after five years this grief isn’t heavy on me anymore. I would be lying. As you get older and the years go on, life changes and you start to notice the number of events they are missing out on.

I’m sad at the milestones being missed, I’m sad about what life could have been if the accident never happened, I’m sad that with every new person I meet, I have to try and explain the person Nick was, instead of someone being shown who he was. I’m sad that other people have to burden this loss on their shoulders, and it upsets me that I am in fact not the only person I know who shoulders this loss.

I want to live in a world so blissfully unaware of tragedy, grief, and young adult loss. I have been to more funerals for people under the age of 35 than I have for those over 70. I have watched far too many Parents bury their Children and far too many bury their Siblings. It’s almost normalized for me, and it is NOT normal - I constantly have remind myself of this. At the same time, it doesn’t feel real.

Grief doesn’t feel real until you start going to weddings and graduations that they are supposed to be at and aren’t. it’s real when you notice that missing seat at the table. it’s real when you go to pick up the phone to send a text or make a call, and there’s no one to pick up that phone.

Ultimately, as cliché as it sounds Nick wouldn’t want me to be sad. For the last five years I’ve lived with that mentality, that he would want me to go out and live life for not only myself - but for him. A part of living up to that was never truly acknowledging that he died. I’ve kept a list in a notebook for the past 5 years of the questions I’m going to ask him when I wake up from this nightmare. The truth is I’m not going to wake up from this. The past year I’ve really had to acknowledge my grief, which wasn’t an easy thing to do- especially when I’d been ignoring it. I’ve lived in fear that people will get tired or annoyed of me talking about my grief and that I should be over it now. I’ve realized that I’m not going to get over the loss of my brother in this lifetime, because how could I? It takes a lifetime to get over losing someone you love.

Last year, I picked up a book and went in without knowing anything. The two lives of Lydia Bird. I found this quote that has immensely helped me over the last year accept that I’m going to grieve my brothers life and what my life would be if the accident never happened for the rest of my life. I should allow myself to grief and not be scared of showing my grief- because those who love me- will love me while I grieve. Unconditionally.

“There isn't a handy grief blueprint. You don't get over losing someone you love in six months or two years or twenty, but you do have to find a way to carry on living without feeling as if everything that comes afterward is second best. Some people walk up mountains, others throw themselves out of planes. Everyone has to find their own way back, and if they're lucky they'll have people who love them to”

I am forever grateful for those who still hold my hand through grief. I wouldn’t be here without you.

❤️