The thing is at the time I didn’t know she was my other half, some may even say my better half. At the time, I didn’t think too highly of her because of the choices she made but that very second I heard that she was gone, I felt half of my body physically leave. I lost my other half.
The day was May 31, 2013 That day happened to be my older sister’s graduation party. I woke up extra early that day because I couldn’t sleep with the amount of joy I felt to see my sister. I then got a text not shortly after waking up saying “If you need anything, I am here.” I was very confused to what it meant but the first and only thought to process though my head is that my mom had passed. At the time, I had no clue she was sick, I had no clue she was struggling. I finally got the thought to leave my head for a brief moment, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking, how on earth could my mom be dead?
My caseworker was to pick me that afternoon at noon sharp. Noon was quickly approaching then it seemed to drift away. Two, three, finally four hit and I was getting worried. My foster mom at the time had always locked herself away in her room so I was left with no answers. Finally, my caseworker arrived with my younger sister and my older sister whose party we were supposed to be heading to. I thought it was odd, why drive out of the way to pick her up if we were just going back to her house? My older sister sat by me, and I leaned over and whispered to her “Rose, I think mom is dead.” She started to panic but my caseworker looked at us and asked us if there was anything wrong. We both looked at each other with a sigh of relief, as tried to keep the faith that there was nothing wrong. Then my caseworker dropped the bomb, “girls, your mom is dead.” I started to laugh because it couldn’t be true. She had to have been joking, my mom wouldn’t leave me. She couldn’t of, she wasn’t sick. I started screaming that she shouldn’t joke about that type of stuff. My caseworker just stared at me with tears in her eyes as I dropped to my knees. At that very second, I felt something leave my body; my other half. It knocked the wind out of me, I didn’t know what to do or what to say so I ran. I ran outside in hysterics, I couldn't do anything but just lay there in my yard crying for half a hour.
I refused to see anyone for a good two months after that day. I quit any activities I was in, and I just stayed at home. Friends tried to contact me but I ignored them. I shut down my whole life. There was a point in time where I put up blankets over my windows so I couldn’t see any part of the outside world and it couldn’t see me. I laid in the dark and cried for her to come back to me. I had never felt so low.
It’s been three years and five months since she left me on this earth alone. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Although I don’t lay in the dark anymore, I do still cry. It hasn’t gotten easier; it has gotten more tolerable. Now I have so many amazing woman in my life who have taken on the “mom” role and have helped me get through the past 18 years of my life and I am very thankful for them. She will never be able to come back but she will always be in my heart, no matter what. Mommy and Sunshine forever.
