In every life, we set expectations of ourselves. Expectations of what we should do and how we should do it- the people we want to meet; the things we want others to remember us by.
But that’s just it isn’t it? We only think about ourselves.
Now, this isn’t some narrative about how I learned to become the best person I could be, or one that even changed me into doing things for others because I realized it who my grandfather wanted me to be. Instead, this narrative is about the pain I feel. The regrets I have and the things I am happy about.
My grandfather died last Monday morning (August 29th) and it was probably one of the most terrifying things I could have experienced. All I can remember is the pain I felt from my mother and family about the loss of one of the most important people in our lives.
I have to admit; I never knew emotional pain until this very moment.
As my mother’s tears hit me like bullets, all I could do was try and remain strong—though inside I was absolutely petrified. I couldn’t help but think about what I didn’t get to say to my grandpa before he passed…that I didn’t get to hug him, or even see him. I was at home writing a paper for one of my classes…
To this day, I can’t handle going to my grandma’s house because it just doesn’t feel the same without him. I can’t stand being home on Sunday’s because grandpa isn’t there with us for dinner, and I can’t look outside to see him playing fetch with my dogs and though I hated that I couldn’t change the channel on the TV while he was asleep watching soccer, I wish to this day that I will one day look over to the couch and see him sleeping quietly while Cruz Azul plays softly in the back.
But I am glad he is at peace.
My grandfather was in pain. His cancer was quickly making him worse each day and when I came home, I knew he was in great pain and that his days were quickly counting down. I did my best to spend the days I could with him trying to cheer him up or get him mind off of things.
I am glad he is no longer in pain.
For those of us who have lost a family member or close friend to any type of cancer—we know tons of pain, regardless of the treatment, affects their ability to perform their regular daily tasks. Everything got harder for him to do and took lots of energy for him to do it.
I am glad he is finally resting.
My family mourns the death of an amazing man, husband, grandfather, great-grandfather and friend, but they celebrate the life of an amazing man who paved the way for his family into this country and for the successes that came to them. He was an amazing man whom I loved with all of my heart. This is a tribute to this man, who influenced me in the best way possible.
I am entering my third year at Oregon State University and have made it my mission to dedicate this year to my grandpa and make it the best year I can possibly have because I know that is what he would have told me to do.
