What a day that was. I remember it very clearly. Just like it was yesterday. It's hard to not remember that day when it haunts me every single day from then on.
I remember the feeling of my heart dropping to the bottom of my empty stomach. I remember how everything and everyone became invisible, my eyes were glued to the message on my phone saying "he didn't make it." I didn't believe them. I couldn't believe them. That was impossible to believe when I just saw you. I remember the way my jaw dropped to the floor. I walked outside, heart still in my stomach and jaw still to the ground. I called everyone I thought of waiting for someone to finally tell me it wasn't true, that it was some type of sick joke.
Instead, what I wanted to be a "sick joke" turned into a nightmare that I'm still living in today. I remember my knees giving out and falling to the concrete sidewalk. I didn't even feel the pain from falling because my body was so numb and the pain I felt in my heart hurt worse than any other pain I could feel at the time. I remember screaming so loud that people down the road were looking at me wondering if I was okay. I can't even step foot on that yard or in that house because, every time I look at it, my stomach turns.
I remember getting a ride back to my dorm room from where I was. I got inside and instantly dropped to the floor again. This time, I was laying on the rug in my room because that's where you slept the night before. My heart broke even more. You were just there.
I made more phone calls to see if someone would tell me it's not true. It was still true.I tried my hardest to pack a decent overnight bag because I knew I was going to crash at Dajour's house. I couldn't pack. I couldn't function at all. I was losing my mind.
I got to Dajour's house, where he and I had the most comforting hug we've ever had. I was somewhat calmed down by this time because I had just convinced myself it wasn't true. I told myself I would wake up in the morning and everything would be normal again, but that didn't happen. We went to the fire department where people were gathered to show respect and to help lift each other up. When I saw everyone, I lost it again. It hit me once more that it was indeed true. I pulled myself together because I didn't want to seem like I was doing too much (by the way, don't ever feel like the emotions you experience are "too much") and I also wanted to be strong for everyone else.
This day will forever haunt me. I will never be able to forget the pain in losing you. It still hurts to this day. I've just begun to live with it. Don't think it doesn't still kill me inside, it does every day. I hate knowing that you're not out somewhere doing something that you probably shouldn't be. God, I miss that sweet face and voice more than anything. I would do anything in the world to see you right now, but I know that's not how it all works. I'll just have to wait until my mansion in heaven is right next to yours.
The day God decided to bring you home was the day I had to let a piece of my heart go.
I love you, Colton Blake, my angel.
