It's May. Everyone has decided what college they are going to, and if you're in college you are glad you have some time to recoup from finals week. Perhaps next year you are considering adding an addition to your family. You've considered the stereotypical kitten, puppy, or tarantula, but as you scroll down the list of dorm room rules, you scoff as you see in FAQs that there are pets. You scan through it quickly and then realize that you can't have the hedgehog you were hoping for.
Your heart flutters. This hole in your heart you were going to fill with a furry, compassionate companion that loves to cuddle (tarantulas love to cuddle, you didn't know?), you can now fill with a slimy, scaly, shiny fish! "Yes", you think, "this will be the perfect addition to your dorm room."
You think, "this will be great! I can have a fish, name him Nemo, and whenever someone comes to my room they can see my brave little Nemo!"
Having a fish isn't all it's cracked up to be. Your little goldfish may be the death of you, or you may be the death of it. One thing you must first understand is that you cannot trust fish; They swim constantly, are scaly, breath water, and constantly stare at you like they are looking for something. That something is you. They want you. You must not let the fish use their jedi mind tricks on you. You are stronger than the fish, faster than the fish, better than the fish!
You can combat the fish. You cannot succumb to its every whim. You can break its plot.
One way to do so would be to trick the fish. One thing you must know about fish is that their attention span is notoriously short: 9 seconds. As long as you seem normal for up to 9 seconds, you should be fine. This should be achievable because the human attention span is 12 seconds. You therefore have 3 seconds of leeway to make your move on the goldfish, whatever that move may be. For the purposes of this article, suppose you use a mirror as a distraction technique for the goldfish. Instead of plotting against you, it will now plot against the other goldfish-- itself. It's the perfect scheme.
Another way is to casually put the goldfish's tank elsewhere. For example, if you want to vanquish one of your enemies, simply put the tank with the goldfish outside their door with a nice note, preferably with glitter. They'll never see it coming. Two birds, one stone.
Lastly, you can threaten the goldfish. Not only verbally, but by physically showing the goldfish your strength against it. You can accomplish this by "playing" with it in the tank with the small net. Show them who's boss.
Hopefully, you can withstand the thwarts of the fish. Remember the plot line of Finding Nemo: a serial killer killed a man's wife and all of his children besides one who is physically disabled. The son gets kidnapped, and the man with the help of a mentally disabled woman travels thousand of miles to save him. Fish will do anything. Don't trust the fish. When all seems like it is over, they just keep on swimming.
