My childhood was defined by a few things—silly bandz, WebKinz, and Phineas and Ferb. Calling myself a Phineas and Ferb superfan miiiiight be a bit of an understatement. I'm not going to even try to pretend I don't know every character's catchphrase, the plot line to every episode, and the lyrics to every. single. song. And, I'm not one bit ashamed. All the more reason why I have complete and total authority to tell you whose vibes reign supreme in the Tri-State Area.
We all know the rules: let's start at the bottom!
1. Candace Flynn
I don't need to waste my precious word count explaining why Candace is by far the worst vibes in the Tri-State Area. Always the buzzkill, she's addicted to the adrenaline rush of "busting her brothers," which, given that the show goes on for 126 episodes, she never succeeds in doing. The girl needs a hobby--SoulCycle? MMA Fighting? Needle point? Anything would be an improvement. All that work and nothing to show for it--cry me a river, Candace.
2. Baljeet Tjinder
Baljeet is a close second for worst vibes. ITS SUMMER VACATION. LAY OFF ON THE NERD TALK. Sure, from time to time he adds value to the conversation, and we have to appreciate the fact that he actually managed to develop an amicable relationship with his bully, Buford Van Stomm, but its not enough to cancel out all the icky-sticky-science he pollutes summer's glorious, academia-free vibes with.
3. Phineas and Ferb Flynn-Fletcher
On paper, you would think the vibes of these two would be off the charts. Engineering talent to spare, unmatched positivity, and given the uncanny coincidences and dumb luck that get them out of trouble every episode, we can only assume they must have exceptional karma. The only problem? They're a two-for-one package. You're boys, not a value-pack of Fruit of the Loom underwear. Unoriginality is the silent killer, lads.
4. Isabella Garcia-Shapiro
A Fireside Girl Scout with her entire troop wrapped around her fingers, Isabella has earned the label, "Girl Boss" while still a tween. Always the fashion icon, her pairing of an aggressive, hot pink bow with a chunky, magenta, 70's era belt is brave, to say the least. We applaud her determination and fearlessness, both on and off the runway; if she could just lay off on the obsessive "whatcha-doin's," maybe her vibes would be better.
5. Perry the Platypus
Oh My Disney
Silent, yet suave, he's a lady's man who successfully leads a double-life of fighting crime and being a beloved pet. A style master in a league of his own, his fedora elevates his semi-aquatic-egg-laying-mammal appearance to a level of dapper most can only dream of achieving.
6. Heinz Doofenshmirtz
Heinz Doofenshmirtz is a hot mess, but honestly we can't blame it all on him. As you might recall, his parents didn't show up to his own BIRTH. ANNDDDDD, when the family fell on hard times, he was forced to dress up as their garden gnome. How's that for childhood trauma? Although unconventional, he's definitely made something of his life. An evil genius managing to live in the penthouse of a Tri-State Area building, pay alimony checks to a ex-wife who can't be bothered to keep a job, and act as a darn-good dad to an angsty, goth teen? Not too shabby, Heinz.
7. Linda Flynn-Fletcher
Let's be honest--Linda is unbothered. Two young boys that could probably test into the MENSA, and a teenage daughter in desperate need of therapy? She doesn't care. Linda throws caution to the wind, abandoning her children in pursuit of her own pleasures--antique shows, wholesale grocery shopping, and socializing with the ladies. Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher's got bridge club meeting, and none of her offspring will get in the way of it. That being said, when she is home, she's a rockstar mom. She loves those kids even though they're all kinds of crazy. What could be better vibes than unconditional love? Let's not forget that in her prime she penned the stage name "Lindana" and rose to the top of the charts with her catchy, Madonna-esque hit song "I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun." She's the mom every woman wishes they could be, and every kid wishes they had. Snaps for Lindana!
8. Jeremy Johnson
With an open, short-sleeve button-up, cargo pants, and a sheepish grin plastered on his face, Jeremy Johnson rocks the stoner look like no other. Johnson makes arguably the biggest sacrifice for the sake of every Danville-ite's sanity--dating Candace Flynn. Such selfless vibes make the universe a better place. With his chill demeanor and steady job at Mr. Slushy Dawg, he's every girl's ideal man. He takes one for the team and puts up with Candace's psychotic bullsh*it, and for that we can't thank him enough. Email us the timesheet, Jeremy, we'll gladly sign off on those well-earned community service hours.
