When I was just a little girl, I remember sitting in the cold church pew, in a very itchy dress patiently waiting for the beautiful bride to make her first appearance on her wedding day. I dreamed of what my day would look like, and pictured Zac Efron at the end of the aisle. While I never knew when or where my wedding would be, or even who I would be getting married to, there were a few things I knew for certain. I knew I would wear a white dress in a big church, I knew I would have my whole family there to celebrate it with me, and I knew that the most important man in my life would be there to walk me down the aisle.. So I thought.
In my 19 years with my dad, he taught me many things, it was his forte. He taught me how to ride my bike, bait a hook, say a prayer, and most importantly how to love with no limits. When my very first boyfriend "broke my heart" in the 6th grade, my dad did something for me I will never forget. He had me get dressed up, and took me to my favorite steakhouse. He showed me a real date. As we had dinner, my dad asked me what kind of man I wanted to marry. By the list I had, I'm sure he was skeptical on if I would ever see the day. He of course, hinted on some traits he may like me to find too. When I had finished, my dad pulled out a little black velvet box, and inside was a small diamond ring. He told me that this ring symbolized the promise I should make to myself, and to him, to never settle for anyone less than what I deserve.
The next diamond ring I would see was in fact the one that someone would promise forever to me with. I'm very thankful that my dad was able to meet and spend some time with my future husband, although of course the time would have never been long enough. However, it's absolutely no mistake that I found the love of my life when I did. Finally being able to say "Yes!" to a question I had been waiting so long for, was the best moment I could ever ask for. In that moment, it was about him and I, and nothing but love. Before proposing, he respectively made the decision to ask the two people closest to my dad for permission. He spoke with my step mom, and my dad's dad. My grandpa made sure to tell me that, he visited my dad's grave and he got the OK.
When I think back to the moment I woke up after my first night's sleep without my dad in this world, I remember running to the bathroom to put my head into the toilet, sick to my stomach and hysterical. My now fiance, held not only my hair back, but his own tears. My mom came down as she had heard me from upstairs to give me something that I had honestly forgotten about. She handed me a little diamond ring that I was never able to wear because it had always been too big for my little fingers. I felt comfort instantly. My boyfriend held me tight. While I hadn't been engaged yet, the peace I felt in that moment is how I imagine I might have felt giving my dad a hug and kiss before he gave me away. I had found the partner that I had asked for many years prior.
I'll be honest, wedding planning has not been "easy peasy." It is hard to plan for the happiest day of your life when you already know there will be a trail of sadness that lingers throughout the day. It feels as though the things I thought were guaranteed were completely torn away from me. Rather than sitting down with my dad to pick a song for us to dance to, I am trying to figure out a memorial that does him any justice. I can't watch wedding movies while planning because they all have a dad in some way or another that reminds me of mine. (If any of you know a wedding movie with a bride with no daddy, let me know)
Though I haven't put on my white dress and said I do yet, I know that the heavens will be shining bright. My biggest fan is at Jesus's right hand. I will choose to find peace through prayer. I will be forever thankful for the ones who are able to make it, and I will soak in the love from afar from those who could not. My dad will have a front row seat on not only my wedding day, but the rest of my life. I won't give away the details on how I plan to memorialize my dad, but I will tell you that you may be able to spot a necklace with my dad's handwriting close to my heart, and the ring he gave me all those years ago. Bring your tissues, because it is sure to be an emotional, yet amazing day.
