Just 16. That is all you were, which makes everything you're going through even scarier. Those late 2 a.m. thinking-type of nights, where your brain just doesn't want to shut off. Thinking of every reason you might just not be good enough. You are just a young boy, who doesn't know.
You don't know a lot of things at this age. One thing you do know, is how you feel isn't okay. Its a terrifying feeling, this sense of unknowing, and being completely lost. Your mind hates you, making you wonder if it's all even worth it.
The late nights are the scariest most of the time. Since you've grown up a boy, there has always been this connotation stuck to you, that you have to be manly and you must keep stuff bottled up. So you don't tell anyone how you're feeling, you keep it to yourself and it eats you alive.
This sense that you aren't good enough is accompanied by feelings of loneliness and misunderstanding. Feeling these ways makes you even less likely to get to know people, or talk to people, which in turn makes you feel even more alone. It is a very unfriendly cycle.
The scariest place to be when you feel these ways, is alone and in your own head. It doesn't matter what people say; during this time nobody believes it is going to get better. No one is awake at 3 in the morning, thinking "I'll be okay in just a little while." Even if it does get better, and trust me it does! No one believes it at the moment.
Family and friends are incredibly important through your life, and even more important when you're unhealthy. But, sometimes they aren't as helpful as much as hurtful. Imagine, finally telling your mother that you aren't okay. That you've had thoughts that nobody should ever have. And her response being "Stop with all of that, you just want attention," and "This is just a cover up for you not doing well in school." It rips you apart, really, realizing as soon as you tell someone, they don't believe you.
One thing people don't understand is, even once you've moved past it that it really isn't gone. All of this, every feeling, every late night, and every contemplation stays with you. Years later, that one time you were up at 2:30 in the morning with a gun in your hand thinking about it in the 11th grade, keeps you up. It makes you sad for a little while, thinking you went through that, terrifyingly enough.
Having been this boy, writing this article isn't the easiest thing. The one thing that makes all of it seem a little better is the fact that I did get past it, and everyone else will too. You may lose yourself, and many will believe the best way out is in fact ending it all, and some just might do that. This doesn't mean that it is the best way out. It isn't, and we know that we are just scared. Now, being on the other side I know that I am the man i am today, because I was once the boy who didn't know.
