17 years old and you are living out the most stressful year of high school. Junior Year. Advanced classes, SAT, sports, you name it you’re involved. Getting up at 6:30 every morning and walking into your first class of the day counting down the days till summer.

Then all of a sudden those things have became the least of your issues. The boy who you thought would be your forever, breaks your heart. He has completely changed into someone you would've never given the time of day to. It sucks to feel that pain but let me give you and insight on what pain I felt.

July, 4th 2018 : I was walking to my families campers when there he was. I hadn't seen him since December when he played my brother in basketball. The “him” is my ex-boyfriend. The instant flutter of my heart begin to race took over. He always caught my eye and for what reason, I truly don’t know. I mean I hardly know the kid. He is 2 years younger than me. He lives a half hour away. What was God’s intentions? Why was he making me fall in love with someone who didn’t even see me in anyway?

The days with the family had passed and we went our separate ways. He headed back to his hometown and me to mine. He added me on snapchat and texted me instantly to get pictures from the weekend and that was the beginning of it all. 8 months to be exact. Now he has left me heartbroken and treats me as if I never meant a thing. I don’t wish this pain on anyone. Nobody understands until they have felt this.

It’s always great in the beginning. He comes into your life and treats you like a queen. You feel ecstatic every time you see his name pop up. Nothing in the world could bring you down because you had so much joy coming from this guy. That’s exactly how it was for me. We kept our relationship behind the scenes for a few months because of family situations. I didn't want anyone to know about us right away because I was scared of the things to be said. 17 and 15? Yeah, I did that to myself. But I still somehow love the kid even after all he has done to me.

Now let’s get down to the heartbreak.

I feel in love with this person. I truly had never felt for anyone in this world what I felt for him. How comfortable I was with him instantly was seriously a feeling I am scared to never feel again. It was just that good. It was natural as if I never ever had to even try. God placed us together and that is why it all worked out so perfectly.

Where has he gone?

One thing you have to know about me before we continue is that I cant hold secrets. I feel too guilty keeping the truth inside. If I do something wrong, especially that other people would be upset about, I end up ratting myself out. I hate the guilty feeling. It eats me alive.

So life was great. I had this great guy in my life treating me as if the world surrounded me. Then I took him to a party and he got drunk and his dad picked him up. I know, scary. He disappeared out of my life for quite awhile until he snuck his phone to text me. I finally heard from him and the stress on my shoulders alleviated instantly. My strength and my other half of me I finally heard from. If you know this feeling finally getting to talk to someone who you've long-fully awaited for then you understand the excitement I had felt. Even though I felt this, guilt and shame floated within me.

He was 14 at the time, freshman I may add. I, a Junior, as his girlfriend took him to a party. How much of an idiot could I have possibly been. I just simply didn't know better at this time. But when I got my response I was thinking about what his parents would think about me. I messed up and truly felt guilty and ashamed of myself. I was scared they would see me as unfit for him. I took that stress out on him and told him I wasn't sure if i wanted to still be together. My heart wanted him more than anything but my mind was getting to me. I eventually apologized and thought we were okay.

I ended up receiving a text from his ex. He had cheated on me. Talked about me behind my back cutting me down to his ex. Talked to two other girls. So three in total. The one girl he was talking to her about both of them being horny and “could do good for each other.” I was completely disgusted with him. For some reason I didn't stop talking to him. He eventually sweet talked his way back into my life and always worked his hardest to prove his worth back to me. I told myself it was my mistake. I mislead him into thinking I didn't want him. But you can never blame yourself for another's actions. It was his choice to do that too you.

We went back to normal after a month or so. The love that was once there made its grand re-appearance. Again I had felt so happy. But nothing truly ever healed. The trust I had for him around other girls was at stone cold 0. Arguments after arguments occurred. His grades weren't all up to par either, grades are a big deal to me. So you can see where the fights began.

But fighting will happen you see. Nothing in your life will be 100% perfect. Its just not that easy as we all wish it would be. There is stages of relationships. You have to get through the hard times to stay together. You have go fight for what you want. God was telling me he was it.

The fighting picked up to an ultimate high during spring break. He was lying to me and going behind my back to go hang out with a friend I didn’t approve of due to him being a big smoker. Weed is a hard no for me just to lay that in there too. So obviously you can see my issue. We fought and then he got grounded for something he claimed to not be responsible for. Now I wonder if he was telling the truth or not. He claimed he passed his drug test his dad made him take and got grounded for something else. Typing this I now realize how dumb I was.

I forgave him. As I always did. He came over, we had fun together and it was back to normal. Happy as we always were. It felt good at the time.

Then a Monday came and threw me for a loop. Some kid had claimed to him I was cheating. Now I have stated my position on cheating, somehow he believed it to be true. I think he still believes its true a month later. But the guy who I “cheated” on him with, I would never ever get myself involved with. I’m too innocent for a guy like him. To get back at me he got weed and eventually was caught with it. He was grounded and disappeared.

I eventually got a way to see him and we had a long, heartfelt talk and I told him we would figure everything out. Things would get better but to get better it had to start with him. He needed to stop the drugs. He needed to fix his grades. I really didn't think that was too much too ask for. He dead set looked me in the eyes and promised me, pinky promised and kissed on it. He broke it tho.

That night I went home and didn't text him right away. He flipped out on me and ignored me the whole night. I’m sure he was giving attention to someone else but swore he wasn't. I called him the next day and told him I couldn't go on like this and still be his girlfriend. I told him I loved him, i really really meant that. But i asked for a break until the summer so we can work on each other to be better for each other because I wanted him more than anything in this world. He promised me again this day and broke it. He swore he would not go looking for another girl and figure himself out. I was so naïve. I trusted him.

I eventually found out 4 days after we broke up he added a new girl on snapchat and 6 days after he added her confessed his love to her. I seen the posts he had made about her right away and comments he made on her things and he never treated me that way. It was like instant for them. So beyond weird. She is the complete opposite of me too. She does all the things I am against. I truly do not understand how he could fall in love so fast with someone like that and forget about the girl who had done SOOO much for him. I was always going above and beyond. Always there for him. I made the choice to break up because i wanted to see him get better. I know the potential he has and how great of a person he can be. It was heartbreaking to hear and see him falling apart.

Now he has a new girl and claims he is in love with her. Im no longer what he wants in his life and for some reason I can not get him out of my head. I want him to be in my life so bad no matter how much wrong he has done to me. I’m holding onto all the good he once was. It’s so heartbreaking to wonder how you eventually became not enough. I always did everything and how can this girl, whose is everything i’m not come before me.

I just don’t get it.