My friends told me over and over again to "just go for it!". I never did though. I don't know why. You made me laugh. You made me smile. You even made me enjoy going somewhere I hated. When I think about all of that, it confuses me as to why I never said anything. I wish I would've told you or whatever else people do when they like someone. I still don't understand our dating culture. I wish wasn't scared to take that step. I was though. It drives me crazy. Everything could've been completely different. My fears won in that situation though.
You probably knew that I liked you, and never said anything. I'm 100% sure that I blushed every time you walked around that corner. You always had a huge smile on your face. You never failed to say that cheesy joke that drove me crazy. I hated it, but at the same time, I oddly loved it. I think I hid all of it with a terrible face of annoyance. I didn't want a hint of those feelings to come out. I was afraid that you would figure it out. I was afraid that if you found out, it would be weird. It's beyond me as to why I thought that.
I didn't want you to know I liked you because I somehow always ruin those relationships. I don't know how that happens. I guess I love too hard. I guess I overwhelm people with my caring heart. As to how I made it six months without anything slipping out is truly incredible. It still shocks me that I didn't blurt it out. I'm pretty sure our friendship made that hard to do. Just ask my friends. They'll tell you exactly how scared I was to say anything more than "hey" or that weird joke that came from a t-shirt.
Your laugh never failed to make me happy. Your nose would scrunch up to your glasses, and you would have one of those smile laughs. Of course, we would get in trouble sometimes for being too loud while classes were still in session, but we would laugh about that too. I'm never going to forget those uncomfortable 3 minutes every day.
I'm sorry I never wished you a Happy Birthday. I did google one those t-shirts, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The Let's Get Awkward t-shirts. Well, I found even more of those awful shirts. I hoped it would make you laugh. I never sent it to you. I was too nervous. I couldn't remember the last time we talked. I couldn't remember the last time I saw you. I let it go and moved on with my day. I didn't even wish you a happy birthday. My gut was twisting. I thought I would say something stupid like I usually did. Sorry, Dude. Happy belated Birthday!
Even though I never see you now, I still think about waiting outside that classroom door. I hoped that you would get there sooner rather than later. I hoped that your awkward and uncomfortable self would come out because that's exactly who you were. On whatever day it was that you wore that stupid t-shirt, I hoped you were wearing it. It was incredible as to how dedicated you were to wearing that every week.
I still think about you and hope to run into you somewhere, just to be bombarded with that awful joke from a t-shirt with bright neon green letters. I hope life is treating you well. I hope that you are successful. I hope that all of your dreams come true. I definitely hope you are truly happy. I hope that all of your dreams come true.
The Girl Who Never Told You,
Emily
