As the chilly December air gently stirs the icy branches of the slumbering trees, I begin to ponder my place in the world. After experiencing college, meeting individuals of such knowledge and wisdom, I feel I have changed. Or, perhaps, I have only just now realized an aspect of myself that I have been overlooking for far too long. I am an adult now, at least technically, and with my inevitable maturing I have been forced into the realization of an extreme loss. In my earlier years of high school, I believe I sensed the departing of some piece of myself, but it was not until I entered the realm of higher learning that I truly came to understand exactly what I had lost. In growing, in learning, in shaping myself into a better person, I have destroyed the gift of ignorance. And, while some may say that ignorance is more a curse than a gift, a perspective I might have agreed with not too long ago, it has become clear to me how precious the years of blissful obliviousness really were.
I find myself wondering constantly what life might have been like if I were to have never gained the knowledge I have now. This torturous knowledge, the comprehension of darkness and evil, haunts my every thought and action. Even in moments of joy and thanksgiving, moments shared with friends and family, the awareness of reality forever looms. And, it is not merely a familiarity with sin that worries me, it is the constant questions and doubts that litter my mind. Things that once represented to me a pure, unadulterated beauty are now tainted by my own skepticism. Nothing, not one single thing, is simple. There is no black and white, no clear-cut right and wrong. Everything is coated in a thick, suffocating shade of gray and, as I struggle to move forward in the world, I find myself choking on the knowledge I so longed to gain. The suffering I endure because of my acquaintance with the immoral and the malicious darkens the corners of my mind and dulls the happiness of my heart.
Ignorance, I now realize, is a luxury that I have, in my folly, rejected. In my quest to grow up, I have lost a part of myself that can never be regained. Innocence cannot be revived. Once one has gained the understanding and capacity to view her own ignorance, she has, inevitably, destroyed it. This pain of understanding seems to crush me beneath its weight. My lungs, once filled to the brim with laughter and awe, are now constricted under the crushing truth of reality. Life, it seems, is not a world of sunshine and roses, it is not beautiful, not in the way I expected. The true beauty of life is warped and tainted and so very painful. But, despite this, despite the aching of my soul, despite the throbbing grief of loss, I do not regret anything. This knowledge, while bestowed at the cost of my naivety, is worth all the anguish, for how can I regret to have gained the very thing that has made me who I am?
