Each individual views beauty in a different context. It is simply a way of explaining how people have different preferences for outer appearance and inner souls, and how not all opinions have to mesh. By definition, beauty means a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially sight. Only a few times have I come across such empowering sights, and for those times, I will share my stories.
Back in high school, I used to attend a dance school which focused primarily on ballet and performance in pointe work. Over the summer, I happened to see an advertisement in a local paper for an audition a town over for another studio’s annual winter production of The Nutcracker. This Nutcracker would be featuring principal dancers from the Moscow Ballet, and if selected into the cast, I would be given the opportunity to share the stage with them! So I went along with my dirty ballet shoes, and two pairs of pointe shoes. Forty-nine dancers in total attended that evening and I was number 31, my sister 32.
A week later, we both received a phone call stating how we made the cut! I received the roles of a butterfly and Spanish dancer accompanied with another dancer (two in total for the cast). My partner, Jessica, would be doing the same choreography as me but just on the opposing side. The Moscow ballerina would be staged in front, but she would not be in rehearsal until the day of the show as she would be flying in the morning of. Moscow is a bit of a hike from North Jersey, anyways! The studio the company chose to rehearse in was not even known for their talents, but rather was actually randomly picked by the Moscow Ballet primarily using demographics and geographic location in relation to a venue believed to attract an appropriate audience. Each year this company chooses several studios to perform their Nutcracker with, and one happened to be in New Jersey that year.
Jessica gave the impression of being a committed person, showing up for the first four rehearsals on time, well-prepared and warmed up. As time went on, however, my mother and I began to see a pattern, making bets as to whether she would be late, or just not even bother to show up. She would never call the studio, either, to give fair warning. It was said in our contract how more than three absences would mean the performer would have their part cut. How could she get away with this? Her mother, for lack of better words, strongly argued how her daughter was “needed” in the show and what a “great asset” she was. She also stated how she bought all her tickets already (expensive enough just buying two) and how she was having their relatives fly in to see Jessica dance, noting a cost so far of $800. Being a low caliber studio itself, the owner agreed to keep her, letting the mother overpower her judgment. To think I almost went solo too.
Furious, my mother called the owner of Moscow Ballet to question why contracts were signed, if they could be violated without recourse, and to reiterate the story of the obligation I had put into the show versus Jessica’s- yet this young lady would still share in the glory. It turned out the woman whom my mother spoke to was a former prima ballerina and mistress at Julliard. She had noted and understood our frustration, but blamed the studio owner for not enforcing the rules earlier for at that late hour had no choice but to let Jessica stay in the show. She comforted us with advice and wisdom stating how along the way to success stories like this happened often, but in the end “your daughter will have long-term success when all the Jessica’s in the world will fail” as they get kicked out of shows, auditions, etc. It was reassuring to see how in the professional world there is no tolerance for that behavior, and that cheaters and liars only get so far. It is best to stay true to your honor as you express your choice in character with your choice of actions. The day of the show it turned out that the mother never even bought a ticket for herself, staying either backstage or in the dressing room, let alone these hundreds of tickets she had claimed to have. No family flew in. No family of hers even bought tickets. Jessica’s mother had lied. I was at peace with myself knowing that the Moscow owner was right, and Jessica would find her fate one day, and remained enlightened by her words of encouragement. She found beauty in my integrity, and I found beauty in her words, and I remember the show for my own personal success and growth.
One thing about beauty is how it is always changing. It does not have to be this bright ray of sunshine either; it can be dark and heavy content. When I was younger I had this obsession with the moon and stars. I went so far as making it my room design and overall theme: pillows, pull-out couch, mattress, bedspread, paintings, and wall decorators. I loved the way stories were created in how the sun died each night to let the moon breathe and live. It made me think of things I myself would give my life up for. I came up with one and that was my family. My mother is definitely one of my biggest supporters. Even when I was small and had huge dreams, which continue up to this day, she made me believe that in the future I could fit into those aspirations. A few years back my sister had to answer an essay question for a college application. She wrote about me. Here’s a small excerpt:
“Being only 20 months apart in age, one would think that we would constantly be at each other’s throats. However, we are the complete opposite. She started dancing at the age of 4 and watching her made me want to join. I was reluctant at first to continue, wanting to try everything else possible, but she pushed me to keep going…Unfortunately, I had to apply her sense of encouragement full force earlier than expected since she developed an eating disorder. It gravely affected her dancing and strength. I was not going to live to see the day she had to stop dancing and I am sure she did not want to see it either.”
She is my moon. In this case, the sun that died one night was the disorder that began to take over my life, and my family is part of the light helping me live my dreams, with their support and encouragement.
To be honest, I tend to favor imperfections as beauty because it gives reason as to why things are the way they are. One summer I participated in the Alvin Ailey five-week-long summer program in which I auditioned for as well. I had a teacher, about half the height of my own, named Mrs. Commandador. She was stern, mean, and had a sarcastic tongue that was utilized to criticize everything I did ranging from pliés (to bend or the bending of the knees) to jumps. Come week five at the showcase performance, I grew to love her. She took extra time outside of class to work with me on little transitions (the most important part in a combination I believe) and for the first time, I felt proud of where I was at. She pushed me so hard to a point where I would just want to cry, but she saw something that I never did. She saw beauty. She saw a girl who would listen to any teacher if given the chance, and she corrected more than my alignment; she corrected my mindset. Mrs. Commandador lived more than well up to her size, and she has inspired me to be a future educator one day.
In part of imperfections also come making multiple mistakes. The first day at Alvin Ailey I had another teacher, Mrs. Theresa Howard, who taught my very first ballet class at these elite studios. Unaware of my strength, the class went to do a turn combination which involved grabbing and releasing the barre, and there I stood holding the barre alright. On my last set of turns I took out the entire barre set from the wall, and embarrassingly was left with it in my hands. Oops. She learned my name very fast that’s for sure. But to her credit, she made light of the situation and all we could do was laugh. I have found from this experience that it is fine to just laugh at yourself sometimes with your errors. I am interested in teaching this method to students one day, and finding ways in getting this message across. I choreographed a group piece my sophomore year of college and not all the students picked up my style exactly. Some would mix the order up, change the timing, or even add their own choreography in! But I decided to keep it. It added diversity and created less unison. Not each dancer looks the same way after all.
That is what beauty is. Something is beautiful for all that it is. In truth, everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it.
