I am not sure what compelled me to tell this story. I do not know if it is because I could not think of what to write, or if it is because I feel the world deserves to know this story. Whatever the case may be, here it is. This is the bean story.

Growing up with the last name Zachary was never fun because I was always last for everything. Anything we had that was in alphabetical order meant I was at the end of it. This included things such as where I stood in line, picking a project topic, and so much more. In the second grade, I finally got my turn.

My time had finally come to choose a Popsicle stick from the jar. Each stick had various things such as "get a prize from the treasure chest" or "be the line leader" I did not give a crap what my stick said, I was just excited to finally get to pull one. I marched up to the front of the class, pulled my stick out of the jar, and read it aloud to the class. "Lead exercises for five minutes." My excitement slowly started to fade.

I have always been a pretty chunky girl, so getting to lead exercises was not exactly my first choice of stick. I mean come on, that one kid to my left is always picking up that honker of his, and he gets to get something out of the treasure chest? I will tell you what, the gold he was digging for could not be found in that plastic box. Nonetheless, I tried to remain positive because it was still my time to shine.

I waltzed my way to the center of the room. All of my classmates were on their feet, ready to get it over with. I did a quick slow walk around with my hands in my belt loops like a Westerner and mumbled things like "yup" and "I reckon you'll do". I mean I felt like I was the main macho, the ruler, the supreme even.

After my walk around, I said to my classmates, "Alright y'all, let's start off with some stretches." We did the casual right arm over left, and left arm over right. All was well, until I saw booger kid roll his eyes. I could tell he was annoyed with the whole thing and did not want to take part in this torture any longer. I had to think quick. "Oh, what could I do to captivate the crowd and make them be amazed?" I thought to myself. "Eureka! I've got it! I've been taking those dance lessons, so I'll show off my splits!"

I assumed the position, did a little leap, and well, did my splits. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try to avoid a situation from occurring, you can never stop what The Lord knows is about to happen. As I landed, I emitted some gas. Yes, you heard me right, I farted. I farted the loudest fart I think any second grader has ever made. This got booger boy's attention. "Oh my gosh, Sydney Kate just FARTED!!" The entire classroom began laughing, and even the teacher started to chuckle a little. Booger boy continued, "eat enough beans for lunch? That's what we're gonna call you from now on, BEANS!" For the rest of my elementary school days, I was known as "Beans."

I guess the moral of this story is it is okay to laugh at yourself sometimes, even if it is much later in life. The other moral of the story is never do the splits when leading exercises. Seriously. Do not do it.

Sincerely yours,

Beans.