The Pregame
Music plays loud out of speakers
Like cannons signaling the night has begun
I take my first drink and grimace as it touches my taste buds
Imagine drinking paint thinner out of a solo cup
I feel like we all hate the taste, but live for the effects
The music gets louder and the drinks get stronger
I spend almost an hour throwing a ping-pong ball at a red solo cup
Until I realized I wasn’t playing against anyone
My friends are chugging vodka from plastic bottles
Debating on who has the best pre-game playlist
Time flies by and the night goes on
I’ve gone to the bathroom about 7 times now
My memory fades from the moment we left the house
And the night has only just begun
The Bars
I became conscious only by being pushed through a huge crowd of people
Flashing lights burned my eyes and alcohol sat in my stomach
Eager to keep the night going I do what any student would do
I pulled the trigger in the bathroom and came back a new man
I shimmy my way to the bar through the crowds of people
Much like a freshman on the first day of classes
Fighting and flailing to get the bartenders attention I spill someone’s drink
Naturally it was the girlfriend of the biggest guy in the bar
He starts accusing and I offer to buy his girlfriend a drink
Due to his poor deductive reasoning skills he thought I was hitting on his girlfriend
So he punched me
Into a wall
A hard wall
Like imagine something really hard
This wall was harder
I hit my head on the wall as the giant is escorted from the bar
“Are you okay”
“Can you hear me?”
“Do you know who’s President?”
Trying to save myself some embarrassment I don’t answer
I get up and say I’m fine minus a headache
The owner comes over
“Don’t worry pal we took care of him
Drinks on the house the rest of the night”
I don’t want to be rude so I took him up on the offer
My friends and I drank
And drank
And stopped
Just kidding
Then we did shots
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila
Floor
The Hangover
I force my eyes to open going against my will
It is as if everyone in the house woke up at once
I pull myself up and immediately lay back down due to my headache
Now when I say headache I really mean
It feels like my head was placed firmly under a slow moving steamroller
“Who in the name of God hit me with a truck last night?” I said
“And why couldn’t they have killed me”
My memory went back to hitting my head and then drinking
That’s it
I went to stand up and tripped over my friend laying on the floor
He was already awake, but too hungover to move
The two of us sat there debating if we go downstairs to greet our friends
We could hear their moans and muffled conversations
Finally we summon the courage to go move and head downstairs
I greeted everyone and received several loud shushing
Man what a night
“What now?” I asked
“McDonalds?”
“MCDONALDS”
So we stumbled into our cars
With sunglasses on and Gatorade in hand our caravan left the house toward McDonald’s
I approach the counter as if I had been waiting for this moment my entire life
“I’ll have 3 McGriddles 4 hash browns and a large coke”
We stumble out of the store and back into our cars
We made it inside
And then the feast began
I devoured my food and laid in a food coma
Never again will I drink
I said
Guilty Conscience
I lied.
