You know those people - the ones that make you feel like the only person in the room, the ones that when parting ways, leave you with the feeling of really being seen, of being understood. The quality that sets those people apart is listening.
Good listeners are rare in this typically egotistical world. As humans, we are inclined to be absorbed in our own problems and thoughts. Never taking the time to really listen to others. Not just hear what they are saying, but to listen in order to understand. This is a tragedy because there is so much power in active listening.
We can learn so much from others if we get out of our own heads. If we pay attention to not just the words themselves, but the tone and context. This will help us find out what they really feel, think and know underneath their words.
Simple fixes can make us active listeners. Stay present in the moment. It’s easy to see through someone who is not actually listening. Who is daydreaming or thinking about their own life? Their eyes are glazed over, they are looking down, muttering a robotic mmhmm or what not. It happens to us countless times and we do it countless times to others. Instead be conscious and in the now. Focus on the other person, you have the rest of your day to focus on yourself! Give others five minutes of your time and you will reap the rewards.
Eye contact is key. Like I said, inattentive people are looking around the room or down at their phone. Direct eye contact can be scary to do, uncomfortable even, but so so worth it. It shows the person you really see them while also displaying some confidence.
Ask questions when needed. But don’t think about what you are going to say next. It may be well intentioned, but thinking about what advice to give or a good response is not allowing you to hear the other person. Focus on what they are saying. If you really listen, it won’t be hard to think of something to say. Asking question shows you are engrossed in the conversation and keen to learn more.
When using active listening, connections are made. People will remember those who show that they care. It’s not only a nice gesture but a sign of mutual respect for others. Charismatic people are great active listeners. Charisma comes from not putting others above or below you, but treating everyone as equals. Being interested in what people have to say shows that they are seen as worthy of your time and attention. That you are both equals. You’re not so above them that you can not listen to what they say, and not so below them that you act insecure while talking. It’s an even playing field which puts the other person at ease and grants you respect as well.
Poet Dean Jackson has an impressive quote about the craft of being attentive to others. He said, “Listening is an art that requires attention to talent, spirit over ego, and others over self.”
