What is a date? Merriam-Webster’s dictionary definition is “an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially: a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character.” But honestly, even without an official definition, it’s not a particularly difficult concept to grasp.

So now I ask you this: if a date is as basic as it sounds (and trust me, it usually is), why are we still sometimes able to go on a date without realizing it’s a date?

I hadn’t given this much thought until recently, when it came up in a conversation between my friends and I as they proceeded to tease me (again) for the time I’d gone on a date and not understood that it was a date until we were already at the movie theater (at which point it was far, far too late and I was forced to sit through the entirety of American Sniper with my hands as far away from the armrests as possible). After they’d finished poking fun at my misfortune, one of them began reminiscing about the time she’d gone on an accidental date, making me realize that this was far more common than I’d previously thought.

After mulling this over, I’ve come to the conclusion that the ‘Accidental Date Phenomenon’ is mostly the fault of movies, books and a blatant lack of communication. In rom-coms and novels, the guy (or girl, but usually the guy) asks his potential partner out on a date using the word ‘date’ or other obvious words. In these scenarios, both parties are completely aware of the situation—no one is under the impression that the other is ‘just being friendly’ and that they’re ‘just hanging out.’ No. These scenarios are absolutely, unequivocally ‘Date Scenarios.’ That’s the first place we go wrong when attempting to emulate these scenes in real life, because we just assume that we’d know if it was a date. And I’m here to firmly—but politely—remind you to ASSUME NOTHING. Don’t just assume that you’ll somehow magically be able to figure out what the other person means when they try to make plans with you. So what’s a surefire way to know if it’s a date? Here’s a hint: use the word ‘date.’ (I know, groundbreaking stuff right there). And all that leads up to the other missing ingredient: communication.

Now, this lack of communication can usually traced back to one of two scenarios:

1) Guy (or girl) is shy/awkward/nervous/afraid to be shut down and he/she decides that the best way to ask their potential partner out on a date is to be as vague as possible and hope that said potential partner can read between the lines. *facepalm*

2) Guy (or girl) deludes himself/herself into thinking that a romantic relationship has already been forged between the two parties and then assumes that any outing they go on from that point on is now a date. *Double facepalm*

It’s understandable to be nervous when trying to ask someone out and if you already think the other person is interested, I can totally see how you’d think that asking said person to go to lunch counts as asking them on a date—but it doesn’t change the fact that in both situations there is abundant room for error that could all be fixed by both parties simply directly stating what their intentions are.

Now, as someone who has been on both ends of the ‘Accidental Date’ spectrum (i.e. one AD that I was excited about because I had a monster crush on the guy and the other that I was completely blindsided by and was not happy about at all) I would like to state something that should be obvious, but people still seem to get confused about it: If only one party knows it’s supposed to be a date, it is not a date. I don’t care if you really like the other person and think it might be a date—until the word ‘date’ is spoken (or some derivative of it) it doesn’t count. I don’t care if you insist on buying her movie ticket and popcorn (even after she takes the money out of her wallet)—it still doesn’t count.

To me, this is honestly one of the most cowardly, ridiculously stupid ways to try and get a date. If you don’t like the person you’re trying to take out enough to be honest with them, why do you even bother? And let me tell you, when you’re the one who suddenly realizes in a crowded restaurant or movie theater that the person you’re sitting across from wants to get with you and you—up until that moment—were completely ignorant of this fact, you get mad. Because you, my friend, have been tricked. It might seem harmless, but that doesn’t change the fact that someone has gotten you into a situation that you did not give the ‘Ok’ for. And that is the complete opposite of romantic.

In the future, do me—and yourself, for that matter—a favor and stop assuming and being vague when it comes to asking someone out on a date. I’m completely aware that it can be difficult and awkward and nerve-wracking, but guess what? I don’t care. See that? That’s me being direct and telling you exactly how I feel. So next time you want to ask that special someone out on a date, put on your adult communication pants and do it. Because let me tell you, your date will feel a lot less panicked and trapped if she’s aware that you asked her to the movies because you like her in a romantic way—trust me on this.