I have early childhood memories of doing flips off jungle gym bars. Sometimes I’d lose my grip and I'd go plummeting into the sand, flat onto my back. The wind would get knocked out of me so hard that I was petrified of getting back up. Often the response was to cry, out of shock or lack of air I’m not sure. Many of us have been feeling that way lately: petrified of getting up.
When you’re in pain, the default goal may be to forget that it ever happened. But, does that help us grow past it, or does it stunt us indefinitely? It takes more strength and effort to let the pain in and allow it to mold you. By this I do not mean to become resentful, bitter, or distrustful due to a devastating experience. Instead, I mean that we should take stock in our understanding, allowing it to lead us. This is a tedious process, I’m sure, and everyone will falter and get lost in a desert of darkness and failed attempts to sprout. Nevertheless, there are stages we must go through, post-tragedy and pre-recovery, that actively working toward may create stability in a time of chaos.
Stage One: Counting your losses
A loss should be deeply and thoroughly evaluated. It’s completely necessary and healthy to allow time for constantly developing emotions. How a loss impacts your daily life now is every bit as important how it affected you the day it occurred. There is no correct amount of time to sit and sift through the ashes left at your feet. This stage may be confusing and feel as if you're on a treadmill going no where. You may want to rush through it and force yourself onto the next part of your life. You may attempt to fake it: a false success seeming better than the soreness your soul feels when it explores every consequence a painful experience leaves. But without your permission or approval, your mind will wander and overtime your heart will ensure that you understand your loss.
Stage Two: Counting your blessings
WARNING- If the name alone of step two forces a bitter taste into your mouth, you’re not ready. And it’s absolutely okay if you can’t see the sun yet.
But, if you see that light, let yourself bask in it. A gentle place to start is counting your loved ones. Let them know how thankful you are for their lives, their safety, and their contributions to your life. Count them like sheep as you fall asleep, and pour over them in the morning like a satiating cup of coffee. These people, those that we love, at first may feel like the only hope for recovery that there is. And in the beginning, that may be true. But once you find your feet, with those around you holding you up, find more. When it feels as if you are unable to do anything, remember what your strengths are. Remember what you love and are passionate about. Life itself can be a blessing, and what you do with the life that you have. Sit with these blessings for a while. Whisper that you have big plans for them, as you water the blessings daily.
Stage Three: Re-purposing the pain
Repeat after me, "There is no pain that cannot be used". It's a physics law, a few actually. Every action causes an equal and opposite reaction. By this I mean to say that you have been reacting to your experience, there is no way around it. And secondly, Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, but only transformed into something else. Loss and grief will not simply stand up someday and walk away. We have the choice to let it fester and grow into something destructive, or we re-purpose it. Remember those blessings we've been watering? Now is the time to harvest our crop. We hear stories of those who were strong and rose from their despair to push change into motion. Look deep into the face of your experiences and say: because I have lived through it, I will ensure that I make a difference in this world. If it were not for those who had seen pain, no one would be driven to prevent its occurrence in the future.
Stage Four: Building yourself back up
As you re-purpose, you will find yourself in a community of those who strengthen you and stand for that with which you stand. You are master gardeners, teaching one another all that you have learned along your journey. Life after a loss should not feel as if you have left a part of your life behind, but instead as if you have taken a piece from then and allowed its energy to be ever-present in fueling what you do. This stage takes the longest, years of your life. This stage will be full of revisited memories, discouragement, loss of focus, tears and frustration. But this stage will also have triumph, pride, excitement, hope, and love. But sometimes skipping, and sometimes trudging, take yourself with you wherever you go. Not a thing in the world is as motivating as the losses that we have witnessed with our own hearts. Take comfort in what you are building, for no one else can construct it quite the same. No one can love quite the same.
Stage Five: Weeding and Maintenance
Once you have built something you love and can be proud of, you must always remember to keep up the maintenance. The world has been spinning around you while you sat in your garden. Relationships will need patching and trials will always come. But with a purpose to keep you grounded, forward you will march. Now, you can look back at your experiences and forward to your future, simultaneously, whispering, "Thank you". Always take care of yourself and that for which you hav love. Be patient with yourself and always leave time for reflection. Be gentle with those around you, knowing now that scars of the heart are not visible, but omnipresent. Know that you love, and show love, differently now. But know too, that it's okay. Let every ray of sun that touches your face guide you, and let every emotion that you feel capture you like a tidal-wave. When you finally look down to see where you have landed, you will find that you are exactly where you need to be.
