When experiencing depression, there are lots of things that can throw you into a spiral. The worst part of depressive episodes are the feelings that you experience holding you there. I call them the "Guns of Depression" because the pain they inflict are like gunshots, they keep you down and wounded.
1. Sadness
Depression is not always accompanied by sadness, but sometimes it's there. When it hits you, all you want to do is crawl into a ball and cry.
2. Isolation
When feeling depressed you often isolate yourself and push away those who are trying to help. It is not that you don't want them around, you just don't what them carrying the burden you see your depression being.
3. Fatigue
There is a constant tired and slow feeling during a depressive episode. I, myself, tend to sleep a lot when I feel depressed. The opposite is also true, you can't sleep at all, but feel exhausted and sluggish.
4. Worthlessness
One of the worst feelings is worthlessness. I feel this constantly, but when depression hits hard the feeling intensifies 10-fold. You feel as if you bring nothing good into the world and everyone is better off without you.
5. Loneliness
You could be in a room full of all the people you love or texting the person you trust the most and still feel completely alone. This is no insult to everyone you care about; it is just how depression makes you feel.
6. Self-deprecation
It's inevitable when you are living with depression that you will put yourself down, I do it constantly. It often makes people angry, but they what they don't know is how much it hurt us to have to think it every day. I have 0 confidence in myself, it only comes at certain moments, yet it goes as fast as it comes.
7. Stubbornness
People will tell you how you are wrong and that things will get better, but when you are in a mindset, you are stuck there. No one will change your mind and they will get annoyed trying, but the pain we are feeling is much more severe.
8. Being Lost
I often feel completely lost in my life. When I feel depressed I question everything in my life and even where I am going. I always end up feeling lost and hopeless.
9. Disinterest
Often you feel bored very often or have trouble paying attention. Nothing keeps you interested or engaged. You might end up scrolling through Facebook for hours mindlessly.
10. Helplessness
You can often feel like you are drowning in the mix of things you must do, things not going well, emotions, friends, relationships. You feel helpless because you can't seem to fix everything, make everyone happy, and help yourself feel better.
11. Insomnia
Sleepless nights are no stranger to people dealing with depression. Your mind is going over so many things and you over think. Besides a constantly running brain, you just can't seem to sleep even though your eyelids and body feel like a thousand pounds.
12. Guilt
I always feel guilty for my depression. I don't want to burden people, but I need their help. I don't have to be in a depressive episode to feel guilty. I often feel guilty for the things that I say when I am feeling down. The feeling never leaves and it always drags you down.
13. Distraction
Along with disinterest there is also distraction. You can often get distracted by the tiniest things. You can't stay focused for too long. You get distracted then become disinterested in whatever you were doing and what distracted you. You are often distracted by the negative feelings you have in your head.
14. Insecurity
Most everyone is insecure about something, but depression can intensify your insecurities. Most days you don't want to walk outside or have anyone look at you. I most times am insecure about my personality, and when I feel depressed I feel bad about the way I act, I end up trying not to talk or interact with anyone.
15. Tunnel-vision
This goes along with stubbornness, because once you feel a certain way or see things a certain way there is no way to change your mind or see other possibilities. I often feel like I don't make anyone in my life happy or that I don’t help anyone, my friends try to help me see differently, but in that moment, I can't.
16. Numbness
Despite the onslaught of emotions, there is a general feeling of numbness. You just don’t want to move or feel. The numbness comes from the absence of happiness a reoccurring failure. You feel like you'll never have happiness again so you slowly become numb to the feelings associated with depression.
17. Anxiety
Anxiety is not always partnered with depression, but for many they are paired. You get to feel anxious because you don't want people to know about your depression or that you aren't ok. That is only one example of how anxiety can affect you when dealing with depression.
18. Sensitivity
I know that I become very sensitive to what people say and do around me when I'm feeling depressed. The tiniest things can make me feel even worse. For example, when I am texeting someone and they make a small comment that hits me in the wrong way, it can send me into a spiral. Now that sounds crazy, but we all have our triggers.
19. Neediness
You constantly want someone around or talking to you. (For the most part) You are afraid to be alone, but feel alone at the same time. People get annoyed with the constant texting and wanting them to be around when they are busy. Yet, you know you need someone there because you are your own worst enemy.
20. Loss of Function
You often feel you have lost your sense of purpose and function in life. You feel worthless and unneeded. This combined with the other symptoms often leads to the last gun of depression.
21. Death
There is no other way to say it. The last and the worst gun of depression is death. Lots of people who suffer from depression have attempted or thought about suicide. I have many times myself. There is no coming back from suicide, but lots of people see it as the only solution to a never-ending stream of pain.
