Recently, I was watching the film "The Holiday" on television while writing a paper, and in full disclosure also making a dent in my penny wine sale supply. Maybe it was the wine, or maybe it was the phenomenology paper, but somehow, the film inspired me to write about something I have avoided writing about for many years. To the boy who cheated on me, this one is for you.
You were my first real crush and my first felt love. Those feelings of firsts, especially as young teens, are overwhelming, and often produce a whirlwind of emotions. We experienced anger, passion, laughs, and as silly as we both probably see our past selves now, those feelings were so real and unprecedented at the time, that they have had a lasting impact. “No one forgets their first love” so they say.
But what happens when your first love turns into your first heartbreak? What happens when your fairytale becomes another story about a guy who loved a girl, but not enough to be faithful to her? Well, in my experience at least, a backbone is what happened. Letting go of my insecurities, and growing out of my teenage ego happened. These things sound like positive things perhaps, and that is because they are. Yes, I thank the boy that cheated on me, because I would not be the person I am today without him.
However despite the way I feel about it now, I won’t deny that there have been times when I have felt inadequate, and further that there was something I had done wrong, something that was missing from me that resulted in him needing more. There were also days where I reminded myself that if I uttered those words I would sound desperate. I knew if I played the victim I would not be perceived as a woman who “had class” which at one point was a goal of mine. I felt that by repressing my own feelings I was being strong, and that despite how much I was hurting, I was protecting him opting for silence and forgiveness.
Now that many years and many relationships have come and gone, I finally feel like it’s time to say what everyone who has been cheated on should say; it fucking sucks. Being cheated on by someone you love is confusing and painful and not only hurts your heart but shatters your individual worldview. What you once thought was reality turned out to be a lie, and when something like this happens it’s easy to assume that it will happen again. Everyone becomes someone who could hurt you, and every relationship becomes a false hope with an expiration date. You become destructive in order to protect yourself because you remember how it feels to have your own heart broken. Until you realize that repression isn’t strength, and that by closing yourself off from others you’ve become the one who is breaking hearts to protect your own, you’ve become the one who hurt you.
Although in my case this experience had to go full circle before I was ready to accept how it had changed me, I am thankful for the time because it has provided me with a world of growth. I have learned what it feels like to be the one who breaks another’s heart, and have realized empathy, not sympathy, for the one who hurt me. I have realized a lesson that many adults I’ve encountered are still struggling with; repression is not strength. Internalizing your emotions doesn’t make you graceful, however, there are good and bad ways to handle your grief (I wouldn’t recommend taking lessons from Carrie Underwood.) Last but not least, it’s not personal. This relates to finding a balance between expression and playing the victim. It is more than ok to admit that you are hurt, but it is also important to keep in mind that people make mistakes often for reasons they themselves do not understand, so don’t take it personal.
So, although there have been ups and downs and interesting turns along the way, to the boy who cheated on me; thank you. Thank you for hurting me, so that I could grow in my strength. Thank you for affecting me in ways that would result in many failed relationships because they led me to right one. Thank you for not being perfect, because you made me realize I am not either, and in fact nobody is. Thank you, for being such a large part of who I am today because I have become someone who knows she’s adequate, knows she’s enough, and knows that I am no victim, rather I have been blessed with adversity in my life that has made me strong enough to go after any and all goals I have in this life.
