Dear Boy That Broke Me,
No regrets. Not one, because in the end, you have to decide if "the high was worth the pain," and it was. It was because you taught me more about myself than I could have. You taught me that I give 100% percent of myself to the people I love, to the point where I get lost in the shuffle. It's draining, and maybe in a healthy relationship, one of which I have yet to find, that balance will come. They say people are lessons or blessings, and you happened to be a great life lesson.
Let me start off by saying thank you. Thank you for making me feel something real, even if you weren't deep in it, because trying to figure out your thoughts was close to impossible. I was young and dumb and hopeless. And I was gullible and I loved how treacherous everything felt. It was a rush, "like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street" kind of rush. But, we laughed a lot, or most of the time, it was you laughing at me messing up a food order. But thank you for the time that we did have.
I was utterly lost when you left, and I know you think I'm crazy for that. The type of lost where you don't want to get out of bed or come in contact with anyone. The type of lost where you decide to paint the walls of your room pitch-black. I was lost, because I focused all of my energy on bettering you rather than myself. It wasn't mutual, and I wasn't the only one in your life, something that you played off nonchalantly. You constantly made me feel crazy for getting upset at certain situations. I was drained. I ignored all of the red flags because, at the end of the day, I fell hard. I took your time as a privilege, because like you said, I wasn't the only girl trying to spend my Saturday nights with you.
Something has to die to make you feel alive, right? So thank you for the life lesson that you taught me. I learned how to put myself back together. They say you have to be lost before you can be found, and I've found myself and I couldn't be happier. I smile a little brighter, laugh 10 times harder, and look out for myself, because you taught me that life is too short to give 100% of yourself to someone who isn't giving it in return. I'm mindful as to who I invest my energy in. I know I deserve someone where the giving and receiving is mutual. Thank you for teaching me not to settle. I know I'll find someone better than all of the f**kery that we had.
With that being said, your memory still haunts me on occasion, a random night when something sparks a feeling of you. And I hope you're happy, successful, and get everything you want in this short life. I hope she knows to never forget the ranch on your chicken bacon ranch. I hope she would stay up until 3:30 a.m. to help you practice a speech the night before, to never put your laundry on normal (always pressed warm), and would bump the latest Kanye West album with you, because at the end of the day I can say I am in the right place and have the peace of mind where I want you to be happy in a life that I am not, nor will ever be, a part of.
Thank you for teaching me this life lesson. And so until I find the right person to better me as a whole, be there for me conditionally while not being afraid to show it, on to the next.
