Dear Sir,
"I think its good that you're passionate about what you do, but the closer I get to you, the more frustrating it is."
Well, thank you very much for saying that (ouch).
I want to tell you that as I was driving to Oregon for an internship at the beginning of my summer last year, I was thinking about our last dinner. My mind kept replaying the moment when you explained we would no longer be together. The drive to Oregon was beautiful, but not distracting like I had hoped it would be. I tried, but it was already hard to not blame myself for the relationship ending, and honestly your words weren't helpful.
--Did I not invest enough time into the relationshIp? Wasn't I clear from the very beginning about my career goals? Was I too insistent? Did I give him enough space? He was so happy about us just two weeks ago...--
It grosses me out to even write down those questions, but the reality is that I did ask myself those things. For a while, they consumed my thoughts. In some ways, I wished I could've been different. I had always understood we were different from each other, but I liked that. I appreciated the fact that you were different. So when I heard that my God-given passion for horses was "frustrating" for you, I was seriously hurt. Especially because, two weeks before, you had been thrilled for me. And its not like I had ever hidden my career goals from you (or anyone else).
So, here is a letter to you sir. A thank you letter actually. Because before you told me that you were frustrated with my ambitious, goal oriented, focused, driven, horse-addicted, intense self, I had never realized how awesome it is to be a passionate person. I had never realized before then that I needed to appreciate this about myself. So honestly, no hard feelings. I needed this and I needed you to not appreciate my intensity, so that I could learn to.
Thank you for teaching me that my intensity is something I like about myself. In fact, its something that I LOVE about myself. I'm thankful that God made me the way I am. Now, I've even made healthy friendships with people who love that about me as well.
Now, I don't try to stuff it down, suppress it, and be a quieter person. That girl, she's not me. And it's okay, that I'm not the girl you need. Because now, I've learned to embrace this passionate aspect of myself. I've even learned how to help other people who are similar to me in this way.
The truth is, I'll always have to learn to have balance in my life, my career, my horses, and my relationships. I'm 110% in whatever I do. I need to learn to take breaks and rest. But that doesn't make me too intense, or too passionate, or too-anything. That just makes me exactly who I am.
So honestly, thank you. You gave me the opportunity to appreciate myself. I hope you are able to find the same fulfillment yourself. Keep climbing those mountains.
In All Honesty,
Ava
