I am not one to share my thoughts or feelings with others. Lately however, I have found myself thinking a lot about the next chapter of my life. With the next chapter looming comes gigantic change, and if you know me well, you know that I fear change tremendously. For as long as I can remember, my life has always been the same. I am not very spontaneous, I do not like surprises and I do not like when I lack control of situations. Up until this point, my life had been like a beautiful day on the beach without a care in the world: perfect. This had always been the case until the one day I was hit with the perfect storm, one that was expected, but one that I could not bare to believe. It was that moment that sucked all of the innocence out of my being and forced me to become an adult at the snap of my fingers.
The past eleven months of my life have been filled with more change than the past eighteen years altogether. As I reflect on this change, I find myself thinking about my father during just about every waking second of the day. I think about the fact that he doesn't know that I am following in his footsteps and spending the next four years at Syracuse University. I think about how he won't be in any of the pictures I will take before prom. I think about how he will not physically be in the audience to hear my name called at graduation. It is scary to realize how much of my persona comes from him.
Although these continuous thoughts shatter my heart, it is important for me to remember all of the poignant times that I did get to spend with my dad doing things we both loved. One recent memory came to my mind that I think perfectly embodies our relationship. It is so important to share these stories so that his memory lives on.
Two summers ago, I was fortunate enough to take a vacation to San Francisco with my parents to celebrate a cousin's wedding. This vacation was one of the last times that my dad and I got the chance to bond, as the fall and winter after, he started to not feel well and that spring came his cancer diagnosis. We left New Jersey on a Thursday and the wedding was on a Saturday. The trip was one of the best experiences I have had with my parents. The time I spent with my dad will forever be cherished.
The day before the wedding, my dad and I decided to go exploring to look for some ice cream. The weather was warm and we were both hungry. My mom went back to the hotel and the two of us embarked on what seemed like a two mile journey around town. Neither of us have any sense of direction whatsoever, so I knew that we would be out for awhile. From the hotel, we made a right to go towards Fisherman's Wharf. I remembered there had been an ice cream stand that way, so it was our best shot. As we started our stroll, there was a huge obstacle in our way: a bird. My biggest fear in the whole world is birds. Those disgusting creatures are such a nuisance to society. My father saw the bird and knew that there was no way that I would walk past it. I knew that if I walked towards it, it would fly away, but that thought scared me. I thought the bird would fly into me or something worse. Therefore, I made us turn around and, according to Google Maps, take the long way to the Wharf.
Well, we couldn't even make it one more block before we ran into not just one bird, but a whole flock of birds. My dad could see the fear that was draped upon my face. However, he was not going to let my fear hinder our walk. Instead of allowing us to turn around, he made me walk up to the birds. He took me by the hand and we walked towards them slowly, one step at a time. I could not believe what he was making me do! As I approached these creatures, they all flew away and I grabbed my dad and he pulled me in close. I was terrified, but it was the closest I had ever gotten to that species. I would never have been able to walk through that flock of birds without him.
At the time, I was extremely angry at my dad for making me do this. Looking back, however, I realize that my dad made me feel like I could do anything. He instilled a sense of confidence in me that no one else has been able to. I would never have known how much a small, stupid event in San Francisco two summers ago would affect me today.
To this day, I am still extremely afraid of birds. My dad was always my guard against them and would always protect me from them. His protection is something that I took for granted and I miss it so much. So, thank you dad for your protection; I would do anything to have it back.
