Like your first love, you never expect the friendship you share with your best friend to come to a screeching, painful end. It’s supposed to last forever. They’re someone you trust to never hurt you. You may have little fights, but you never imagine there could be anything that will drive you apart indefinitely.
Sure, there’s the saying that friends may come and go like the seasons because life gets busy or you move away and lose touch, but when you’ve been best friends for a decade, it’s not something you’d ever expect. I never expected it would happen to us. But it did.
Our friendship crumbled as I fought to save it, but in the end, no matter what I did to try and solve our issues, it was clear that you wanted to be done with me. There was going to be no resolution. You blocked me from every form of communication and walked away.
I was left in shambles. I was left confused. I was left heartbroken.
Frankly, the destruction of our friendship couldn’t have happened at a more worse time.
We had just completed our first semester of undergrad. I was so excited to be going to college with my best friend. We had taken some of the same classes together and would always hang out watching Friends in between classes and complaining about homework. For the rest of my college year, people continued to think that I had lived in your dorm freshman year, even though I hadn’t because they had seen me around so often. Sure, we were homesick, but at least we had each other.
For the rest of freshman year, I rarely left my room except for classes. I barely ate because that meant facing the overwhelming, lonely dining hall where I mostly sat alone because I was too scared to ask anyone to sit with me. My heart ached every time I happened to catch sight of you on campus.
When our friendship fell apart that winter, I began to feel so alone and felt consumed by my introverted anxieties.
If my best friend in the world got tired of me, could I ever trust anyone else not to? Was it me? Was it my personality? I always felt I was terrible at socializing and making friends. How was I going to make it through the next three years of college when the first one had left me feeling so terrible?
Well, I made it through. I made it through and I thrived. By the end of my senior year, I had never felt so happy about where I was in life and the prospects of where I was going. I was more comfortable with who I was then I’d ever been, and I want to, in a way, thank you for that.
I want to thank you for pushing me, in a heart wrenching, devastating way, outside of my comfort zone and giving me the courage to try new things. Some crazy new things. I climbed a freaking mountain for Pete’s sake! (Mount Baker if any of you are curious). I also found the courage to pursue what I was really interested in, even if that meant applying for a role I felt unsure I could be successful in because of my introvert tendencies. I took many ‘leaps of faith’ and I meant some amazing people along the way. I came to fully understand my strengths and value what I had to offer in my relationships with people.
Now, I don’t want to give you all the credit, since I’m sure I would have found myself eventually, and I’m not saying that I’m glad what happened did. I still feel some lingering sadness, especially since I’ve moved back to my hometown where we spent so much time together. I’m sad that while we got to graduate high school together, we couldn’t graduate college together. You weren’t able to be at my wedding. I’ve avoided becoming close to other people who share your name because every time I say it, I cringe a little on the inside.I don’t know what you’re doing right now or where you’ve ended up.
I think in thanking you, I can find the closure that I was never able to get from our ending. I’ve been left wondering why for so many years that it’s made it hard to forgive, even though part of me wants to. I hope that someday, I can look back on our ten years of memories together and appreciate the time that we got.
