Obviously, you hurt me badly, I was on the verge of killing myself and you didn’t even respond to me because you were out with your “friends”. For a while, I thought I wouldn’t be able to get over this seemingly perfect relationship that we had, we were so alike, we got along so wonderfully, at least that’s how it was until February came. As I started going downhill with my depression again, I know I changed from being that funny, outspoken girl you fell in love with to someone who said sorry constantly and always had their head down, and because I changed, so did your feelings for me. I know it’s horrible to blame yourself for a break up and that’s what it sounds like I’m doing, but it’s not, we both played equal parts. I changed and so did you. You were the one who left me, although it’s not your fault about how I reacted, that was no one’s fault. I have depression and you knew that since before we started dating, you just seemed to forget that I could go into a full blown relapse, which is exactly what happened that weekend.

Everyone likes to say it was because of the break up that I had the mental break down, but truth is, it had been going on for a month, my bad days turned into bad weeks and I knew I wouldn’t be able to bury it down any further. I’m sorry for the things that I said, but not completely, cause some of the things I said were true: you did end up getting caught, you still work a mediocre job, and from what I’ve heard from people who see you, you are realizing how fucked you are, excuse my language. You tried to blame your mess up’s on me, that I caused you to fail your first semester, that I’m why you got caught, that I’m why your family found out, although I did tell your grandma, I did it because at that point in time, I thought it would help you cause you listen to her, they would have found out eventually, they would have figured things out. While I was still fighting my demons with everything I had, your sister attacked me, I admitted to what I had done, but she kept going, calling me things I know I am not. My sister wanted to message you so badly but she wouldn’t dare because she knew it was not her place, even though she could’ve lost her baby sister that weekend, she kept her mouth shut when it came to you, my entire family did.

Don’t think I’m writing this as a plea for you to call me or text me or to get on your nerves, it’s really not. I want you to know how much better my life has gotten since you kicked me while I was at my lowest. I got the most perfect dog, a pit bull-boxer mix, her name is Mally and I know you would love her, but you’re never going to get the opportunity to meet this dog who is so full of love. I got closer with my family, I see everyone at least once a week. I started riding again, and my god, did I miss it, I forgot how free riding makes me feel, I forgot how when I’m in the saddle I forget about all my problems. I started painting again. I fixed my grades as best I could, after doing so badly because I spent so much time with you. I went out to the dunes and actually had a big ole smile on my face the entire time because I was the one driving. I got my truck back with grey taillights and dang does she look good and I forgot how fast she goes. I reconnected with friends I lost because I was always with you. I got my laugh back, that contagious giggling that you always thought was so adorable. I smile more now, I’m smiling while writing this actually. I found myself again, I no longer hold my head low or apologize for things that don’t deserve apologies. I sing in the car again, at the top of my lungs I will rap every word to “I Don’t F*ck With You” again and have a gigantic smile on my face.

I'm not saying I hate you, I could never hate you, I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, because that's really not what I'm doing. I'm saying thank you, and I'm also saying I hope you find yourself again, too. Maybe one day we will cross each others paths again, as I've always told you I'll always be there for you, but I'm honestly thankful that you weren't there when I need you most.

I know none of this would have happened if you didn’t leave me, so I’m so thankful you did because I know if you hadn’t left, I’d be on trial right now too for a misdemeanor, Mally would still be huddled in the back of that cage at the shelter, I would have no idea what was going on with my family, I wouldn’t have met the people I have met since you left. I wouldn’t have found my self-worth again. I wouldn’t be riding again or taking school so seriously. I would be just like you: miserable. I don’t mean that to be harsh, but are you actually happy? I don’t think you are.