The morning after a wild night is a huge struggle. You’re forced to piece together the events of the night before and slowly reassemble your dignity, brick by brick. One of the best, and worst, parts of the morning after is reading the lovely incoherent texts you sent during the peak of your intoxication. Sometimes it’s difficult to accept the ridiculous things you said or the people you contacted, and it’s necessary to go through the five stages of reading your texts from last night.
Denial
“I did NOT say that. I would NEVER say that. Someone must’ve stolen my phone and texted my ex and my freshman year hookup and my current hookup and my…mom? This isn’t happening. There’s no way. No matter what state of mind I was in, I would never profess my love to him. Half of this isn’t even English. Nope.”
Anger
“Who would even let me have my phone when I was clearly not coherent enough to handle that kind of responsibility. My friends are dead. I hate everyone. I hate this school. I hate this town. I hate the fact that somehow I can’t manage to type actual words in texts but I can manage to type my password in properly. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Bargaining
“If only I had stayed in and studied for Busi like I had promised myself. Okay, God, I promise I’ll never ever ever drink again and I’ll study like the good, studious girl I am if you just somehow make these texts disappear.”
“My life is over. There’s no hope. Not even a tiny little glimmer. I should just give up now. I’m going to drop out of school and become a bartender or stripper or fast-food worker. I just know I can’t show my face on this campus ever again. The whole world is going to hear about this. What if I’m on Yik Yak? Wow. I need some ice cream and Taylor Swift and tissues.”
Acceptance
“Okay…well the texts are kind of funny. I mean I can’t actually read half this stuff. It’s pretty entertaining. Yes, I might have to wear a hat for the next week, avoid eye contact with everyone on campus, and not go out this weekend, but it’ll all blow over. I’m sure someone (probably me) will do something else stupid and everyone will forget about my texts.”
