It's finally the season where we can all pretend like Emory has a football team and we have something to tailgate for: darty season. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a "darty" is a combinations of the words "day" and "party." Darties are wonderful creatures that combine bikinis, alcohol, and warm sunlight.
Due to the fact that most girls don't eat during darty season to look good in photos, I figured I would create a cookbook with the top ten recipes you'll need for a perfect darty season.
Enjoy.
1. Girl Who Is Only Here For An Instagram Photo
Ingredients needed:
One freshman/sophomore girl
One iPhone
One Instagram App
Two Photo Editing Apps
One brand new bathing suit
One reluctant frat bro
First, take your freshman/sophomore girl. This recipe will not work if she is a junior or senior, because chances are she's posted more darty pics on social media than you could have ever dreamed of.
Dress girl in her brand new bathing suit, the best brand to use for this would be Victoria Secret, but substations may apply. Place girl at darty, after approximately ten minutes, insert reluctant frat bro into the mix. Freshman/sophomore girl will give reluctant frat bro one iPhone to which reluctant frat bro will take one photo and return it to freshman/sophomore girl. The photo will be terrible and reluctant frat bro will have to take at least two more.
Finally, insert photo into not only one, but both photo editing applications on her iPhone. After photo has baked to perfect editing golden-brown, it may finally be served on the platter that is one Instagram App.
2. Girl Who's High Out Of Her Mind Because She's Too Hungover
Ingredients needed:
One girl who is secretly a frat star
One trip to Maggie's Neighborhood Bar and Grill
Ten shots of Tequila (if not a fan, 12 shots of vodka may be used)
Three bad decisions
One edible
Two bong rips
Three Advil and two anti-nausea pills
Begin this recipe at least fourteen hours before starting time of said darty. Begin with girl who is secretly a frat star, and drown her in ten tequila shots (or vodka equivalent). For maximum results, make sure that all ten shots are drank within an hour and a half time span.
After girl who is secretly a frat star consumes said shots, insert three bad decisions. This may take a while to ferment, sometimes the three bad decision come within thirty minutes of one another, sometimes they can take multiple hours to come to fruition.
Insert girl who is secretly a frat into Maggie Neighborhood Bar and Grill. Hint: do this within thirty minutes of consuming the ten shots. It's okay if they bad decisions haven't appeared yet, they will in her trip to Maggies, no worries.
Let girl marinate overnight until the next morning. Girl may have to throw up...multiple times. This is quite common with this recipes, do not be alarmed. Give girl who is secretly a frat star the three Advil and two anti-nausea pills. She will soon realize that she will not be able to drink for the rest of the day, so stuff her with the one edible.
Wait....I know it hasn't hit her yet, just wait..... wait.
Let girl who is secretly a frat star marinate in the sun, while baking.
After three hours, insert the two more bong rips.
3. The "Blackout" One
Ingredients needed:
One freshman girl who hasn't eaten anything all day
Four frat brothers
An open bar
Ten shots of Burnettes (if not a fan, ten cups of Summer Beer may be accepted as well)
In some version of this recipe a beer bong and a beer may also be used.
First begin with one freshman girl who hasn't eaten anything all day and place her inside of the darty. Give her two of the ten shots of Burnettes (or Summer Beer equivalent). After this, then mix in the first frat brother of the recipe who will look at her and say, "want to talk some shots?" then mix in two more of the ten shots of Burnettes (or Summer Beer equivalent).
Next insert second frat brother into the mixture, to which he will say, "I'm kind of drunk, want a shot?" to which freshman girl who hasn't eaten anything all day will respond, "uhh I don't know. I haven't eaten much." After small amount of coaxing, mix two more shots into the mixture.
Throughout the next hours, slowly pour the remaining four shots into the mixture. *If using variation of the recipe, insert freshman girl chugging a beer from said beer bong here.*
Finally, the third frat brother will find freshman girl who hasn't eaten anything all day either passed out in a room or throwing up in the bathroom, to which he will turn to the final fraternity brother of evening and say, "dude, go get me some water."
4. Girl Who Flashes Everyone
Ingredients needed:
One Girl
One Brand New Bikini Top, (One Size To Small or One Size Too Big)
Eight shots of Tequila (if not a fan, 10 shots of vodka may be used)
One Friend
One Bad Decision
One Raised Surface
One Throwback Song
Take one girl and place her in her one Brand New Bikini Top, (One Size To Small or One Size Too Big). This recipes normally works better if the top is too large, however it may also be extremely successful if the top is one size too small.
Throughout a time period of one to two hours, slowly pour the eight shots of tequila into the one girl. Wait an appropriate amount of time for alcohol to be consumed into her blood stream.
Then quickly add the One Throwback Song to the mix. One girl will scream and turn to her One Friend. One Friend will then suggest the One Bad Decision of "OH MY GOD LETS DANCE".
Then place mixture of One Girl and One Friend atop of One Raised Surface. One Girl will undoubtedly fall off and One Girl Who Flashes Everyone will arise.
5. Girl Who Is Way Too Sober
Ingredients needed:
One Girl Who Is Smart
One Friend Group
Not Enough Alcohol
Fifteen Minutes of Coaxing
First take One Girl Who Is Smart and read her mind. She will be thinking, "It is two in the afternoon, why would I want to take shots?" or "I don't think I'm going out during the day. I want to go out tonight, I'll stay sober during the day."
Add One Friend Group to the One Girl Who Is Smart. Slowly pour Fifteen Minutes Of Coaxing into the mix. Throughout this, One Girl Who Is Smart will slowly begin to change colors and turn to One Girl Who Is Being Convinced To Go To The Darties.
Insert mixture of One Friend Group and One Girl Who Is Being Convinced To Go To The Darties into a Darty.
Very, very, very, VERY, slowly pour not enough alcohol into the mix. Soon girl who is way too sober will appear.
6. Group Of Woo Girls
Ingredients needed:
One Playlist (literally any playlist will do)
One Friend Group
Too Much Alcohol
Take One Friend Group and allow them to marinate in Too Much Alcohol. Place mixture at Darty. Begin One Playlist. Literally any playlist will do. It could be "Emo Songs From Your Middle School Days" on Spotify.
Wait. Hear the Woos. Cringe.
7. "Walk Of Shame" At Four In The Afternoon
Ingredients needed:
One Girl
One Brand New Bikini Top That Makes Her Boobs Look Awesome
Eight shots of Tequila (if not a fan, 10 shots of vodka may be used)
One Cute Boy (if boy is not cute, double the amount of alcohol)
One Bad Decision
One "Hey Wanna Come See My Fishtank?"
One Spring Sun Raising Hormones
Take One Girl and place her in One Brand New Bikini Top That Makes Her Boobs Look Awesome. Marinate Girl with One Friend Group, to which she will probably say, "Doesn't this top make my boobs look awesome?!" They will successfully convince her that yes, they do.
Place One Girl within said Darty. Throughout a period of one to two hours, slowly pour alcohol into Girl. The amount of alcohol girl should consume should directly correlate to the level of attractiveness of the men surrounding her. The less attractive the boys, the more alcohol should be consumed.
After an appropriate amount of alcohol, insert one cute boy into the mixture. Allow the two to converse for approximately fifteen to thirty minutes in One Spring Sun Raising Hormones. After this time, Cute Boy will say, "One "Hey Wanna Come See My Fishtank?"
Finally, include one bad decision into the mixture and wait one hour. Girl Who Is On Walk Of Shame will arise.
8. Girl Who's Only There For The Food
Ingredients needed:
One Girl
King of Pops/Cheeseburgers
One Smart Decision
Various Amount Of Alcohol
Take One Girl and allow her to marinate in whatever amount of Alcohol she deems fit. There is no required amount of this recipe. Begin to place King Of Pops/Cheeseburgers in front of the Girl. Allow her hunger to brew.
Once enough alcohol has entered her bloodstream, she will begin to eat. One Smart Decision then begins to arise.
Go you girl. You do Darty Season right.
9. Girl With A Paper Due Monday Who Went Out Anyways
Ingredients needed:
One Girl With One Midterm On Monday
One Hour Of Music In The Distance
One saying: "I'll only take one shot"
Seven more shots
Four Hours In The Reading Room
One Paper Written While Drunk
Take One Girl With One Midterm on Monday and place her in the Reading Room. After One Hour of Music In The Distance, the girl will slowly begin to debate how important this paper is anyways. "I have all day to work on it tomorrow right?" or "I mean, this is an easy paper... I can write it while drunk right?"
Insert Girl With One Midterm on Monday into the Darty. While at the Darty, Girl With One Midterm on Monday will begin to say One Saying: "I'll only take one shot."
From then on, insert Seven More Shots into the mixture.
Return One Girl With One Midterm on Monday to the Reading Room. Slowly pour Four Hours In The Reading Room into the mixture.
Finally, insert One Paper Written While Drunk.
Here's hoping the saying, "Write Drunk, Edit Sober" works for you girl.
10. Responsible Girl In Libs
Ingredients needed:
One Girl
One Midterm On Monday
Three Hours Of Music In The Distance
Three Vanilla Lattes
Regrets
Take One Girl With One Midterm on Monday and place her in the Reading Room. Slowly and painfully insert Three Hours Of Music In The Distance. Regrets will soon begin to form.
Give One Girl With One Midterm on Monday, Three Vanilla Lattes throughout the day. Insert more Regrets into the recipe.
She'll look at the photos on Instagram tomorrow and be sad, but hey, at least she knows she's making an A on her midterm. Can girl number nine say that?
