It's a situation most women are all too familiar with--you're having a seemingly pleasant interaction with someone before they go and spoil it by saying something unarguably and off-puttingly sexist. You're at a fork in the road here. You can choose to say nothing in an attempt to save the relationship (at the cost of potentially feeling morally icky) or call them out, uncomfortable as it may be, and desperately hope your words have any sort of lasting impact. If you're me, interest in this person has just dropped to zero and been replaced by an all too familiar mixture of disappointment and rage, so the bad behavior necessitates a reaction. Unfortunately, from my personal experience, this does little to actually change the mindset of the individual and aids only in their knowledge of learning the kinds of things they can't say around me in particular. What does it take to really get it through someone's head that sexist attitudes and behaviors are not only something I will never tolerate, but something that no woman should ever have to endure? And why does the onus fall on women alone to teach men how to act accordingly?
Don't get me wrong, I'm always ready to argue for the sake of my beliefs and even more willing to educate those genuinely interested in listening--but it gets exhausting and, honestly, discouraging after a certain point. You can only fight the same battle so many times before it wears you down and makes you wonder why you're putting up a struggle in the first place. Sexism shouldn't be a behavior that needs to be unlearned to begin with, but the responsibility for its unlearning especially shouldn't be labeled exclusively as a "women's issue." The typical response seems to be to let the perpetrator off the hook. "Boys will be boys," they say. "They're not hurting anyone." They're not hurting anyone yet, maybe, but how much are we willing to let slide before we draw the line? Truthfully, it is often harder to point out misogynistic behavior or comments not only because it creates an air of tension, but also because you have no way to predict how someone will react. With violence against women being such a prevalent issue (and one that is constantly at the forefront of many women's minds), it is an understandable deterrent to speaking up in the face of any type of injustice.
My frustration goes beyond the existence of sexism. Why am I, as a woman, held responsible for teaching my male partners, family members, and peers how to not be sexist? I am not your mother. I do not have the time or energy to devote solely to making you into the person you should be in the first place. It isn't so much to ask that when you open your mouth whatever comes out doesn't undermine, undervalue, or threaten my existence. Furthermore, I don't think it's so far-fetched a notion to not want to associate with people who act in such a way. In relationships, women are told they are picky or have standards that are too high when in reality these are standards of basic human decency. Instead, we're expected to fill in the gaps. Whatever is lacking is on our shoulders to correct--but not too harshly, for fear of damaging an ego along the way. I can't begin to explain how many male friends and boyfriends I've put through a course in 'how to not be sexist,' and frankly, I'm mad I was put in that position in the first place. When I do, I have high standards. When I don't, people wonder why I don't have more male friends or a boyfriend.
Where are my men who speak up when their friends make rape jokes? Where are my men who don't need a maternal figure in a friend or significant other? Where are the MEN who are willing to take it upon themselves to unlearn sexist behaviors and help others to do the same in turn? I know they exist--I don't doubt that--I have seen it happen. I feel lucky to know many, many good men, and I know I'm not alone in that. But I am also saddened at the number of men I thought I could trust who did not stand up in the face of sexism when presented with the opportunity. These are men I cannot feel safe around because, despite the fact they may not be doing anything wrong themselves, they allow for a perpetual cycle of injustice. I cannot trust them to stand up for me, meaning I certainly cannot trust them not to turn around and behave the same way.
Men, please listen when your female friends tell you what makes them feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Listen and learn from what we say. We would much rather fight alongside you than against you. And women, know your worth and don't ever feel obligated to put up with less than you deserve. Don't let your frustration discourage you completely and certainly don't lose hope in the battle you're fighting. You're allowed to be picky and have high standards and get angry. Find refuge in the women and men who will get angry and fight right along with you.
