You're sitting in your beach chair, music blaring from a Beats Pill, cold beverage in hand. The sun is beaming down glorious rays. You suddenly see this bright white, almost glaring figure come towards you. Is that Edward Cullen? Is that someone in a diamond studded dive suit? Nope, it's just me. Good guess with Edward Cullen, though.
Spring Break is considered one of the most anticipated events of the year. Whether you're in Gulf Shores, Cancun or Panama City, Spring Break is that perfect week to flirt, drink, dance and just enjoy the beach. For girls in particular, looking toned and tan is critical. Yet for the most rare subspecies of the human race, Gingerous beautifumous, achieving this elusive “tan" has proven to be nearly, if not entirely, impossible. When they aren't stealing souls or being moody about their status as stepchildren, gingers can most likely be found hiding from the sun.
As a ginger myself, my Spring Break memories mostly include SPF 75+, ugly hats, being called “lobster" and aloe vera. Those people who burn and then tan? Ha! If only… You see, gingers come in two colors: pale and burnt. There is no in-between.
Through all my high school years, accepting my creamy complexion was a struggle. Buying foundation called “porcelain" or “milk" while my friends opted for “golden goddess" was frustrating. There is nothing remotely sexy about wearing “porcelain" out on a Saturday night. In the hopes of becoming a bronzed beauty, I set out trying every tan lotion known to Target. I became the poster child for Jergens. Smearing the weird smelling cream all over me night after night resulted in streaky arms and orange palms. But eventually some tint evolved. My bathroom counter looked similar to this one:
Pleased with my results using the “light" shade and feeling daredevilish with my new glow, I began opting for darker lotions and spray tans. This was my downfall… While I imagined myself looking like this:
In reality, I looked like this:
You may ask, why not tanning beds, Marli? Isn't that more effective? You don't sweat orange-y brown, and you don't smell weird…For starters, according to the National Institutes of Health, redheads are 10 to 100 times more likely to develop melanoma naturally. Yeah you read that right: at least 10 times more likely than other hair colors. So should I lie in a [death]bed of UV bulbs for 10 minutes only to probably burn? Eh I'll pass. Maybe in my next life I'll be living leather.
If anything, my experiences tanning (okay attempting and failing to tan) have only made me embrace my natural coloring. And paleness was once considered a sign of the aristocracy, so maybe this is just God's way of saying I'm royalty. Yeah, I think I'll stick to that explanation. We'll see whose skin is in better shape in fifty years… peasant.
