Written on 7-15-16...
-hey, you still up?
Ya. For now.
-what you are thinking about?
Everything.
-like what?
My friends and if they ever think about me too.
-well you're weird for that and probably not.
What makes you say that?
-why would they think about you? You aren't someone they want to think about.
Ouch that's mean. Why do you think they don't?
⁃ oh I don't think. I know they don't. You are too much to handle as a friend. You ask for too much emotionally. You care too much. You depend on them too much. No guy wants to text another guy all the time. That's weird; are you gay? Sure does seem like it the way you care about them.
I just care. I care about them the way I hope they care about me. I'm not gay and I hope they don't think I am but I love them like they are my family.
-don't you see though? You're not family. They have their own family and you are not one of them. You are just a friend. Someone they hang out with because they have nothing else to do and even when then they don't always want you around. Those who you call your "brothers", ya know the ones that leave? Ya, well don't you see how happy they are? Can't you tell that they don't text you as much? When was the last time they checked up on you? When was the last time they asked for you to hang out? When was the last time they actually had a real conversation with you? Do they even call you or just text you? I bet they text you. I wouldn't want to talk to you on the phone either. You tell them you love them right?
Ya, I do because I do.
⁃ You have a crush on them, or what? Because that's just weird. Dude, they don't care about you like you do. You're not worth that much to them. Do they post pictures with you? Do they even really know you? I'm sure they don't. They've moved on, man. College gave them people they actually care about. Some guys that are actual brothers. Some that replaced you, as if that was a challenge. Can't you see? Your "best friends" aren't your best friends. They don't fight for you because you're not worth that. Remember when your so called best friend went through a break up with his girlfriend? You did anything and everything you could to help him. Yet, when you need him he wasn't there. His frat guys matter more than you do. Your friends don't care for you because you ask for too much. Des, your friends are happy when you're not around. Haven't you noticed? You don't see the pattern? It's not a coincidence.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I just need a girlfriend.
-I am right. Also, a girlfriend?!?! What makes you think you're good enough to have a girlfriend? You don't have money. You don't have good grades. You're not that good looking. Look at you. You have a big head, big forehead, big ears, big chin, a unibrow, and an underbite. No girl will like that.
Well, maybe they'll like me because of the inside not what's on the outside.
-Des, do you really think that's any better? The mentor who you called your "big brother" was similar to you on the inside. Now look at him. You're probably gonna be like him or maybe even worse. Plus, how you gonna get over your lust problem? You know the Internet is right in the palm of your hand. You just gonna forever stay off the internet? I don't think so. You're disgusting. A girl won't like that. Plus, what about your last relationship? Didn't you ruin that? Broke her heart and made her cry?
Well, I was stupid and immature. Plus, I never meant to hurt her. I realized I did. That's the worst part, but I apologized.
⁃ Well, look at her now. She doesn't talk to you she found some friends and she seems way happier. Imagine if you would have stayed with her? She probably would have been sad because of you. You would've been a huge ball and chain for her to reach her happiness. She got the best end of the stick. You did her the favor. She's happier without you and now you're by yourself.
I guess you have a point. Well I I still have my church family, though.
-church family? Why do you go to church? You're fake. You can't admit your list of problems. You talk about people behind their backs. You are selfish. You are lazy. How are they your family? Most of those people don't even know who you are. Next time you go, ask them what your name is and see what they say.
They do know me although I don't know all of them that well. Also, I'm working on my struggles…
-I Know. You've been working on them for years. So that makes me wonder. Are you even trying to overcome those struggles? If you're really trying wouldn't you have been done with those?
I mean… I guess so. I should have been. I don't know?!
⁃ pathetic. How are they still around. Where is the effort? Just a shame.
I'm trying to just love myself… it's just so hard.
-Love yourself? Hahaha you make my stomach jiggle. Good luck with that buddy. How many nights have you spent alone? How many people want you around? Where are your friends? Your friends don't love you. You love them? Haha what a waste. Your dad doesn't love you. Someone who is supposed to love you. What make you think your "friends" will?what do you offer? You aren't worth it. Disappear. Be gone. You're not wanted. Why do you stay?? You are not worth anyone's time. Do like all the people in your life and leave.
I guess you're right. . .
