To the mom who turned me into the Woman I am Today:

Over the years your absence only hurt in waves. Sometimes I would feel it and other times I didn’t really think I was missing out on much. But every once in a while, the feeling that I was missing something was so strong I couldn’t deny how bad it hurt my mother didn’t want to raise me. I mean I tried to tell myself it was your loss and even though I know it is. I also used to spend times laying in bed wondering why my own mother left. I’d wait for text messages and phone calls that just never came. I spent so much time thinking it was me who had something wrong with me. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why you didn’t care.

Over the years I wondered why you were always so involved. Sometimes I would feel smothered and other times I thought about that fact that it was from love. Every once in a while though, I just couldn’t stand you for it. I tried telling myself it was because you loved me, but why did you care so much? I wouldn’t have to call you for anything because you knew everything before I did. I spent so much time angry at you. I finally learned why you cared so much.

When we would be around each other you’d say things like “you’re so hateful” or “you’re so selfish.” When I was around you I felt so uncomfortable it was like being around a stranger or a distant relative. Did you know I’d leave your house crying Every. Single. Time. Your harsh words were like knives in my back and the way you seemed so uninterested in getting to know your daughter always left me a little more bitter each time I came to visit. So eventually I stopped visiting which didn’t seem to bother you one bit.

When we were around each other we fought, a lot. “I only do this because I love you, you know that right?” When I was around you it showed me what true motherly love was like. I almost feel bad for leaving the room angry because you were just so involved. “I love you” and “It’s just because I care” went through one ear and out the other. But eventually I realized why you did all of this.

I always wonder what you say to people who ask about your kids. I mean after all you know nothing about either one of your daughters. You spent the majority of our lives getting high and drunk. I always read your comments on my Facebook statuses where you say “I’m proud of you.” I always laugh to myself. None of my accomplishments have anything to do with you. You did not mold the determined, independent, opinionated, stubborn woman I’ve become. The only credit you should take is the part of me who spent her nights crying because her mother missed a swim meet, an award ceremony, and missed out on watching her daughter go to prom. After awhile I stopped searching for you in the crowd of people. I knew the minute I tried to find you I’d be left with the sting of disappointment.

I always wonder what you say to people who ask about your kids. Little did I know you spoke highly of how mature we were and how independent I was. You spent the majority of our lives right up in our business. I never had to look at Facebook to know that you were proud of me. You always made it so clear by showing up to all the big events in my laugh. I always laugh at myself now for thinking that was overbearing. All of my accomplishments had everything to do with you. You molded me into the determined, independent, opinionated, stubborn woman I am today. You deserve so much credit because although I didn’t realize that you were always there because you wanted to show us we could do it without you. I always searched for you and dad in the crowd because I knew you were going to be there.

Don’t get me wrong I do not hate you. I love you, but I do not like you. I just no longer crave my mother’s love and attention. I no longer need your approval for me to feel worth something. I don’t need you to teach me how to braid my hair or put on eyeliner I taught myself. I didn’t need your help to mend my first broken heart because I did that myself. I lost interest in getting to know you when I stopped allowing myself to judge my worth on your inability to be a mother. I know you want to come back into my life now and mend what you broke, but the truth is, I cannot take anymore disappointment from you. I cannot hear another promise or lie that will only break my heart. I’m raised. I no longer need a mother figure. I don’t need you. I’ve accepted what type of mother you are. I’ve put the anger behind me now I’m ready to move on. I cannot do that with you pretending we are one big happy family. I do not owe you an apology, a relationship, or forgiveness you deserve none of that. I waited for years for you to shape up and be a mother but you picked a lifestyle full of alcohol and drugs. You left me and never even thought twice about it, so do not get mad that I am moving forward and also am not thinking twice about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I did not appreciate you enough. I love you so much, but I did not always like you back then. I just know that I always have your love and attention. I just know that I can do all of the things you taught me on my own. I know I will get your approval in the choices I made because you helped mold them from birth. Although you couldn’t really teach me all the cool hair tricks because you grew up with boys, you taught me how to be one of the boys. I didn’t need your help to mend my first broken heart because you taught me how to handle myself before I ever had to deal with that. I did not have to get to know you because you were there from the start. I know you want to help me through everything I go through now, but you prepared me so well that sometimes I don’t need it anymore. I’m sure you probably couldn’t handle much more disappointment from me, because everyone knows I was a mess of a child. Thank you for shaping me into who I am today.

I do forgive you though but I never want to forget how you made me feel. I never want to forget the sting of abandonment because the minute I forget is the minute you win. I won’t pretend you never hurt me. I forgive you for attending one swim meet, not being there to pick out my prom dress, give me pep talks, or have mother daughter outings. I love you and I hope one day you find the happiness your daughters couldn’t give you. But I am who I am today because you weren’t around. I am a strong independent Woman.

I owe you an apology for all the times I made you feel like I didn’t want you around. I want to forget all those times that I made you feel like I didn’t like you or that you weren’t a good enough mom because you were. Thank you for being an amazing mother who showed me how to be who I am and never apologize for it.

Sincerely,

Your Independent Strong-Willed Daughter

Taylor Thompson & Allison Massey