Not many things in haunted houses scare me. I can usually laugh off the guy with the chainsaw and the random gorilla that "chases" you through the corn maze. However, if there happened to be that one random guy/girl in the clown mask and makeup, I ran screaming like a little girl. I don't recall a time in my life when I wasn't afraid of clowns. Now, with this epidemic of crazy killer clowns all over the country, my worst nightmare is unfolding in front of my very eyes.
This all began a couple of months ago with sighting of clowns attempting to lure children into the woods in Greenville, South Carolina. Now, it seems that every teenager, sex offender and just your average, everyday creep thinks this is the perfect opportunity to scare the pants off of anyone and everyone. Instead of the zombie apocalypse most Americans expected, our country has been taken over by creeps in clown mask. It's time to fight back. It's time to truly "Make America Great Again" and take our country back from the red nosed monsters.
1. Everyone should carry pepper spray with them at all times... especially at night.
These clowns like to chase us with knives and baseball bats. Now, it's time to fight back. Although it's not nearly as productive as a hand gun or your own knife, this will be plenty to scare off the cowards and make a quick getaway.
2. Keep heavy objects in your vehicle.
Many of these sighting have been reported on the side of interstates, highways and small backroads. Although they can't necessarily chase you down, you never know who might walk by and become their next victim. In order to protect yourself and other American citizens it could be helpful to keep heavy but easy to throw objects in your car: basketballs, golfballs, soccer balls, baseballs, etc. Even just throwing the object in the direction of the clowns could show enough dominance to advise them to leave their post.
3. Beat them at their own game.
Clowns are less likely to bother their own kind. Be sure to keep a spare clown costume in your backpack and car or a spare red nose in your purse. The clowns might mistake you for another creep just getting a good nights work in.
4. Travel in packs.
Most of the clowns have been reported on a solo basis. Avoid walking alone at night. Stay in groups at all times. Remember, there is one of them and several of you. Show that clown that he can't mess with your clique!
5. Call 9-1-1
Now this is probably the MOST important thing you could do. Although you want to be all tough, it's important that you let the authorities to the job they are trained for. The sooner you call 9-1-1, the better of a chance the authorities have of catching these creeps.
*This article is strictly for humor. I would not advise anyone to cause harm to these clowns.*
