My Experience Crushing On A Straight Guy And What It Taught Me
The obsessive behavior I exhibited was the result of my loneliness and isolation.
Unrequited love is part of the human experience. It doesn't really matter if you're gay, straight, or bisexual. Everyone has cared for someone who didn't reciprocate those feelings. Some people even become drawn specifically to what they can't have. Since we can't control our feelings, it's inevitable that we would eventually meet someone who didn't share those feelings.
For gay men, most of us came of age in an environment where other gay kids were either closeted or nonexistent. I'm not sure if things are easier for gay youth today, but dating wasn't an option for me in high school. So I don't see how I couldn't have fallen for straight guys as a teenager. This is something I (and so many other gay men) know all too well. They were really the only guys our age that we were exposed to.
I always thought that once high school ended, these heartbreaking crushes on straight guys would end as well. But I was wrong. My most recent experience came several years ago. I had just ended a six month long period of back and forth with a guy I went on a couple of dates with. The good news is, we've stayed friends. The bad news is, it wasn't the right time for either of us to be together. After we parted ways, I developed a crush on another guy.
Yes, this guy was straight. However, his heterosexuality wasn't what attracted me to him. There is much more to this story than our respective sexual orientations. This story says much more about my obsessive state of mind at the time, which was the result of my loneliness and isolation. Despite being the result of larger underlying issues, my behavior is something I take full responsibility for.
Now that I've moved on from this situation, I can reflect on it with a clear head. I can also share with you the lessons I've learned and provide advice to those of you who might be going through the same thing.
I was online one day and came across a video of this musician on YouTube. We'll call him Mike. Mike was singing and playing guitar in some parts of the video. In other parts of the video, he was giving an interview. I was immediately struck by his good looks. I was also struck by his apparent shyness and introverted nature. Despite his quiet demeanor, he was so talented as a singer and musician. I also developed an admiration for his songwriting skills.
A crush soon developed, because I identified with him. I could relate to his quiet nature with his creative spark still yearning to get out. It was a juxtaposition I felt I understood. I decided to send Mike an Instagram message telling him I enjoyed his work. When he didn't respond, I decided to reach out on Facebook instead. I also took it upon myself to ask about any upcoming performances. I wanted to meet him in person. Mike responded thanking me for the compliment and directing me to his website with information on his shows.
I feel it's important to note that my crush wasn't akin to a teenager obsessed over a celebrity heartthrob. Mike wasn't famous and didn't appear to live a rock star lifestyle. He was an independent artist who performed at local bars and seemed very approachable. I felt like this was a guy who I could possibly bond with. Of course, I wanted something more than friendship, but I was also aware that I haven't even met him yet. I didn't want to get too ahead of myself.
Over the next few months, I sent him a few other Facebook messages to which I received no response. Two of them were simple, "Hi, how are you doing?" messages. The other one was a song I wanted to share with him since we're both music lovers. I wanted to develop a bond with him and was curious as to why he was ignoring me. I sent him an email asking if he received my messages. He responded telling me he doesn't like to use the internet to chat.
I should've gotten my first clue when he ignored my Facebook messages. I should've taken the hint when I read his response to my email. However, I was already so deep in my obsession that I made up an excuse. I thought, "Oh, he just doesn't want to chat on Facebook. He probably prefers to talk in person. If I send him letters via email, maybe that would be more his style."
I knew Mike had a show coming up, but I wasn't sure if I should go. Even though I wanted to believe his email was to be taken literally, a part of me knew what he really meant. I asked a friend for advice and she encouraged me to go. She said, "He might be friendlier in person. Who knows?" So, I took her advice and went to three of his shows.
All three shows were great. We didn't get to say much more than "Hi" to each other at the first show since he was so busy. However, I did notice that he was standing close to a particular girl most of the night. I soon realized this was his girlfriend. Surprisingly, I wasn't that disappointed. It didn't discourage me from trying to pursue a friendship with him.
I never wanted to come in between the two of them. But I still wanted to give friendship a try. A part of me thought that maybe they would break up for reasons unrelated to me and I would have a chance with him. However, a stronger part of me was more realistic. After all, who knows what could've happened? We could've gotten so close as friends, that viewing him in a romantic way may have felt weird. He could've revealed himself to be a totally different person than what I envisioned and my feelings may have deteriorated. Maybe I would've been turned off from being around him completely.
Of course, I was also aware that my feelings could've grown stronger and it would've been too painful. If that was the case, I would've come clean about my feelings and ended the friendship. But I never had a past experience to compare it to. Friendship with a crush was never an opportunity that presented itself to me. Hence why I at least wanted to give it a chance. But I would never get that chance.
I did email Mike after that first show telling him I had a good time. He responded telling me he was glad I enjoyed the show. As you can see, sometimes he would respond to me and sometimes he wouldn't. There was an inconsistency in our interaction that confused me. I now see that he was probably just trying to be nice and wasn't sure how to handle the situation. However, at the time, I convinced myself he was sending mixed signals. I didn't necessarily think he was leading me on romantically, but I did get the impression that it was okay to keep emailing him. I even thought there was a possibility at friendship.
We talked a bit more at the second show, but it amounted to no more than small talk. His friends and fellow performers soon arrived. They commanded his attention more than I did. Still, he was very friendly and introduced me to some people. After the show, I felt like I was on cloud nine. Now that he spent some (albeit brief) time with me and seemed very welcoming, it felt like we reached a new level. It seemed like we got past the awkwardness of only communicating online.
At the third show, however, things felt very different. I purposefully arrived an hour early so we could actually talk. However, Mike didn't arrive until a mere 15 minutes before showtime. He immediately got out his instrument and started practicing. I realized this wasn't the time to talk. I didn't want to disturb him. So, I sat and watched the show. He did a great job and I enjoyed it. But whenever he had breaks in between sets, he would talk to his girlfriend. Again, I didn't feel it would be appropriate to interrupt.
I didn't get to talk to him the entire night. I left feeling defeated and disappointed. I planned on asking him if he wanted to hang out sometime. Since I didn't mean for it to sound like a date, I was going to include my friend in the plans. I dreaded the thought of asking him via email since it was clear to me that our online interactions were abysmal. Looking back, I can see that fact alone should've convinced me to back off. But I was so lost in my obsession that I didn't listen. I sent the email and awaited a response.
For months to come, there was no response. I eventually sent him the same letter via Facebook. Again, months passed and I received no response. In retrospect, I see that you can't expect much from people. If someone doesn't respond the first time, cut your losses and move on. Yes, it's incredibly rude and insulting. In fact, I feel ignoring people is even more insulting than being mean to them. However, you must hold onto a shred of dignity. But I wasn't ready to do that.
Mike had another show later that year. For whatever reason, I saw this as an opportunity to reach out again. I sent him a short letter on Facebook telling him that I wish I could make the show, even though I couldn't be there. I also wished him good luck. It was shortly afterward that he blocked me on his Facebook. He also blocked me on his Instagram.
I realize that reaching out again was a dumb move on my part. At the time, I found it incredibly frustrating that he handled it the way he did. He could've sent me a response at any time making it clear that he wasn't interested in my friendship. People shouldn't ignore others because they're afraid to hurt their feelings. Believe it or not, there is a nice way to reject someone. Instead, he chose to block me rather than answer me.
A couple of months passed and we entered a new year. I couldn't stop thinking about Mike and how things went down. I didn't want to leave things the way they were. It was clear to me now that there was no chance at friendship. But I at least wanted closure, so we could leave things on good terms. I decided to send him a lengthy email apologizing for not taking the hint sooner and clearing up my intentions. I didn't mention my crush, because I felt it was unnecessary. I went to sleep that night with no expectations of a response. Either way, I said my peace and knew that my attempt at closure was all I could control. If he didn't respond and things were left with him blocking me, oh well. At least I tried.
I woke up the next morning and saw a response from Mike. I was surprised, to say the least. I opened the email and read what he wrote. It was just one sentence thanking me for the kind note and for respecting his desire to keep to himself. I felt a sense of relief that he gave me the closure that I needed. Regardless of whether it was done out of pity or if it came from a genuine place, I was happy.
When I sent the email looking for closure, I promised Mike it would be the last time he heard from me. I wish I could say I kept that promise. However, two years after sending that email, I heard that someone in his family was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I felt terrible for Mike and wanted to reach out. I sent him an email acknowledging that I've broken my promise. However, I said I felt it would be remiss of me to not reach out after hearing the news. I wished him and his family well. I said I would be praying for a recovery. I also told him that I wasn't looking for a response from him.
I'm not sure if he was upset that I contacted him again or just didn't care. Even though my heart was in the right place, it was the wrong thing for me to do. I should've respected his wishes and left him alone. The good news is, it was the last time I reached out to Mike.
I've learned that you shouldn't allow your loneliness to become desperation. It can be hard to let go when we don't know someone and they aren't even giving us a chance at friendship. When that happens, it allows us to hold onto a version of them we've imagined in our head. That can make it even more difficult to move on.
However, we must move on because our idealized version of them isn't real. The real version is something they don't want to share with us, so we should respect their wishes. We should also respect ourselves, because we deserve better than unfulfillment.
While the process of moving on was difficult, I'm glad I eventually did. I focused on other things I'm passionate about, particularly issues that are bigger than myself. This was a tremendous help. It allowed me to redirect that passion into something more productive and healthy.
As I look back on this experience, I'm extremely embarrassed by my obsessive behavior. I'm embarrassed that I allowed someone I didn't even know to occupy my thoughts to such an extent. While my embarrassment can be uncomfortable to face, I know that it means I have grown and know better. It means that I learned a lesson and that is why I'm opening up about it.
For those of you who are in similar situations, please learn from my experience. Don't make the same mistakes I made. Look out for the clues in the beginning, because you can't expect people to be clear with you. If someone doesn't respond the first time, take the hint and move on. Know that you don't deserve to be treated that way and that person doesn't deserve your time. Know that you will eventually meet somebody else and move on.
