A letter for all the boys who are still ghosting... and for the one that ghosted me
There are boys that I have talked to for months before they "commit" and some after the first date. If I am feeling it, I go with the flow of everything. If we click, we click.
Recently, I met someone and we hit it off well. He travels all over the area for his job and asked if he could stay the night with me so he is closer to his job come the following morning. I let him know that I was okay with this, but I am staying with my parents while in the process of buying a house; so he can either come in the basement door.... or meet my parents. HE chose the latter.
He met my parents, it was great. We had an awesome weekend. And then he left. He said before he got in his car, that when his phone turned back on from being dead, that he would text me. He also said he'd let me know if I was staying at his house that night, or if he was coming back to mine. He did neither of those things he said he would do.
Here I am, almost 48 hours since I heard from him, worried he isn't okay. Worried he is on the side of the road somewhere, because he didn't respond. He couldn't do me the decency of saying "Hey I am home safe, but I don't think this is going to work out." Or "Hey I am home, I need some time to think about things." He just hasn't said anything, at all.
I am stressing myself out over a boy (who is 31 by the way... but I think we can agree he doesn't deserve the title of "man"), who won't give me the time of day. Who hasn't deleted me from Facebook or blocked my number. Which would make everything easier and at least give me some sort of sign. But everything still feels up in the air.
So boys, let me tell you why you shouldn't ghost someone.
Number One: In Case You Forgot, We Have Feelings
Can we be honest for a second? Ladies, for how long have we been told we are "too emotional" and we are "more emotional than men"? So show me the logic in ghosting someone that has, supposedly, more emotion than you do? If I am a more emotional creature than you, why are you messing with my emotions? Why are you prolonging my emotions? You are only making me HAVE more emotions. Really, when we are ghosted, we go through our own stages of grief. Denial, I find personally, is usually my first step and I will make all of the excuses for him. He must have lost his phone, he's busy, he just needs a second, he'll call, he isn't like this, etc.
And then here comes the even more emotional part, bargaining. And this is when they will tell us we are crazy, because they are ignoring us after they made us feel some feelings. Usually bargaining will look like, please let me fix whatever I did, I am sorry if I did something wrong, give me another chance, can we just talk this out, etc. This is where we send all the texts that go unanswered and the unreturned phone calls. After we try to help them fix what they broke, we still try to bargain for them. Why?
Depression for me comes next. After I realize, he really isn't going to respond, it hurts. A lot. And this is when you go through a breakup without actually breaking up. Because you stop talking to me, I start thinking about everything that is wrong with me. Because you don't have the decency to let me know that you don't want to talk, I have to get all in my feelings and cry over someone I met a month ago.
Which as you can see, depression leads to anger. You realize why am I crying over someone who won't give me the time of day? Why am I crying over someone who doesn't deserve me. Why am I fighting for someone who doesn't want me? If I win this fight, this is a good look into the rest of your relationship.
I am currently bouncing between depression and anger right now, working my way to acceptance. This is when I am done, and you have no shot of getting me back. Because at this stage, I am logical. You've let me grieve four stages, you have let me be sad and anxious. Therefore, you no longer deserve me.
Number Two: Our Past
Let me tell you why this one is important. If you ghost someone in the beginning, odds are they haven't shared a lot with you. They might not have told you that, they have abandonment issues. I have heard a guy say "this is every girl though". First of all, even if it is every girl, you shouldn't ghost someone, period. Second of all, that's not entirely true. There are girls that do the ghosting and need to read this just as much as the guys do.
You don't know my trauma, you weren't there when it happened and you don't know how it affects me. A huge trigger for myself is when I don't know what is going on. It bring back a lot of terrible memories for me and it makes that depression stage, last a lot longer. Telling me that you want nothing to do with me, is way better than not saying anything at all, at least I have closure.
Some girls may have had abusive exes that would go days without talking to them because of something small they did. So during those stages of grief, guess what I am doing? I am replaying every conversation we had, I am replaying every interaction to see what I did wrong.
You may be able to move on, and good for you. But let me move on too.
Number Three: It's Cowardly
You are absolutely a coward if you do this. If you do not have the balls to let me know, then you shouldn't be talking to anyone with intention to date. And if she has the intention to date and you don't, and you knew that from the beginning, and you still talk to her, I honestly don't have the words to say to you.
Toughen up, call her, at least text her, and say this isn't going to work. Will she be mad? Probably. Will she be upset? Yep. But this is the decent thing to do and she will be over it so much quicker, if you just owned up and was honest instead of stringing her along, hoping you end up doing the right thing.
Number 4: If You Don't Want To Deal With Crazy, Don't Make Me Crazy