Poetry On Odyssey: Ego
Years later, we can still learn something about ourselves and our morality from Freud.
I'm studying Freud now for maybe the 5th time
So I'm familiarized with his notorious line
It starts off as ID, ending at SuperEgo
Which helps you gauge if you're good, and hopefully not evil
It's the impossible goal to balance Ego in the middle
I think back on myself, trying so hard to fiddle
The morality dial to a place to that felt right
Where my mind was peace and my soul could feel light
I think now that I've made it, but I hadn't at first
So my earlier years were understandably the worst
My first day of grade school I was instantly smitten
Well aware that my guidelines had already been written
I was taught that fulfillment could be found in God's Word
His love the incentive with which I was lured
But she was just so damn sweet, with long hair and dark eyes
I hated myself for thinking same as the guys
Adam would never have lain down with a man
So to make it to Heaven, she was not in the plan
Later in life I was leaving high school
Taking dick, smoking pot and breaking rules to look cool
When on a contemplative car ride one night with my friend
My SuperEgo delusion came to a startling end
I asked, "Have you ever felt like you were missing a penis before?"
Her expression told me not to bring that up anymore
That night sent me deep into a pit of self loathing
I could pass as pure to my church, but felt absolutely nothing
I was shrink wrapped in guilt for the secrets I held
Taught that my kind were all children of the Angel that Fell
I felt I had failed, too wrapped up in desire
Postmarked now for down under as a fag, tranny and liar
Even though I would spend just two more years with God's son
I had denied who I was till the damage was done
All those times that I'd judged queer folks with disgust
Held me down like a freight train infested with rust
I internalized all the hatred I'd spread
Every comment placed pea-like in my soft Christian bed
That was the past, I breath easier now
But not without finding my "who" and my "how"
The person I'm now is so earthquakingly free
I mourn the years without girlfriends and the pronouns "him/he"
Pretty Boy is all honest, and that's pretty much "how"
I was able to end up at "who" I am now
It seems that its easy to find your Ego on the line
When your ID and your Super are authentically defined
But not by a god or a priest or a book
Right and wrong will come out if you're willing to look