I'm studying Freud now for maybe the 5th time

So I'm familiarized with his notorious line

It starts off as ID, ending at SuperEgo

Which helps you gauge if you're good, and hopefully not evil

It's the impossible goal to balance Ego in the middle

I think back on myself, trying so hard to fiddle

The morality dial to a place to that felt right

Where my mind was peace and my soul could feel light

I think now that I've made it, but I hadn't at first

So my earlier years were understandably the worst

My first day of grade school I was instantly smitten

Well aware that my guidelines had already been written

I was taught that fulfillment could be found in God's Word

His love the incentive with which I was lured

But she was just so damn sweet, with long hair and dark eyes

I hated myself for thinking same as the guys

Adam would never have lain down with a man

So to make it to Heaven, she was not in the plan

Later in life I was leaving high school

Taking dick, smoking pot and breaking rules to look cool

When on a contemplative car ride one night with my friend

My SuperEgo delusion came to a startling end

I asked, "Have you ever felt like you were missing a penis before?"

Her expression told me not to bring that up anymore

That night sent me deep into a pit of self loathing

I could pass as pure to my church, but felt absolutely nothing

I was shrink wrapped in guilt for the secrets I held

Taught that my kind were all children of the Angel that Fell

I felt I had failed, too wrapped up in desire

Postmarked now for down under as a fag, tranny and liar

Even though I would spend just two more years with God's son

I had denied who I was till the damage was done

All those times that I'd judged queer folks with disgust

Held me down like a freight train infested with rust

I internalized all the hatred I'd spread

Every comment placed pea-like in my soft Christian bed

That was the past, I breath easier now

But not without finding my "who" and my "how"

The person I'm now is so earthquakingly free

I mourn the years without girlfriends and the pronouns "him/he"

Pretty Boy is all honest, and that's pretty much "how"

I was able to end up at "who" I am now

It seems that its easy to find your Ego on the line

When your ID and your Super are authentically defined

But not by a god or a priest or a book

Right and wrong will come out if you're willing to look