With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, it's natural for the members of the single community to begin their preparations. For those of you who are new to the single life or just haven't celebrated the holiday alone before, I, with 20 years of experience under my belt, am providing a step-by-step guide to surviving a dateless February 14.
Step 1: Send yourself flowers.
No one will be sending you any so you'll have to do this yourself. Sign the card "From a Special Someone" and make absolutely sure that you don't accidentally sign your own name. If you receive them while your roommates are home make sure to loudly exclaim "Wow, who did this?!" and act like you're completely surprised. If no one is home, put them in a vase on display. Post a picture on Instagram, no caption.
Step 2: Don't leave your house.
Under no circumstance should you leave your house on February 14th. The moment you do you'll be surrounded by non-matching pink and red outfits, unnecessarily excessive PDA, and saps asking you how you're celebrating this "holiday." You're better off staying inside, drawing the blinds, and answering Netflix saying that yes, you are indeed still watching.
Step 3: "Do Not Disturb."
I would suggest to completely turn off all forms of social contact, but you'll need your electronics for the upcoming Step 5. Instead, use the "Do Not Disturb" setting. This way, you won't be able to receive any texts or phone calls from people asking you what your plans are. When you don't answer, they're left guessing what you're up to. They might think you're out on a date, and no one will ever know that you're actually just mouth-breathing on your couch.
Step 4: Eat your feelings.
Scientifically, calories actually don't count on Valentine's Day. Chocolate, ice cream, cake, cans of frosting, and any other baked good are all fair game for this step. You'll be surprised to find that the hole you feel inside from your lack of a love life can be filled with copious amounts of dessert.
Step 5: Stalk social media.
You know that hot guy in your class that you can't stop staring at? Bookmark his Facebook page for reference today. Every thirty minutes, refresh the page to make sure he isn't doing anything with anyone either. If you see that he is spending the day with another girl, refer back to Step 4.
Step 6: Prepare for tomorrow.
Accept that when you wake up, there will still be no one that loves you. The faster you come to terms with this, the easier the next 364 days will be.
