The perfection of California is a luxury easily overlooked by us Golden State natives. It is often only realized when challenged by comments and questions of out-of-staters. Here is a guide on how to collectively handle the extremely difficult situation that has been thrust upon you. You can do this, we all believe in you.
Most of us have been there. You are meeting friends left and right at the beginning of the school year and you finally find one you absolutely adore, so you do the only thing there is to do: clutch onto them for dear life. You learn that they are from a small state in the middle of the country that you have never even thought of visiting, but you love them anyway. You make it your mission to help them soak up as much of your home-state as possible. Although sometimes, you need a little help yourself. Keep these reminders in the back of your head so you know what to do when these situations unfold.
Try to remain calm when your friend confesses to you in confidence that they have never been to In-N-Out. Immediately rush them to your local eatery and order them a Double-Double. Do not forget the signature Animal-Style fries. All will be well, but you will have to be strong.
Politely listen to their stories of mountains, lakes, and rivers while they talk to you as though you’ve never experienced such a sight. After they have finished, you may proceed in informing them that, yes, you indeed have visited the mountains, and for their information, you go to Lake Tahoe every year for the Fourth like the basic Californian you are. In fact, sometimes even just for the day, as it is only a two hour drive from your house.
Calmly tell them not question the french fries in a California Burrito and to just let the magic happen. They will thank you later and you know it.
Take deep breaths when they ask you, “wait, is this Madonna?” when you play Vogue as you two are getting ready for a night out. Calmly inform them that yes, this is Madonna, but it is also so much more. It's Vogue! Have they not seen the iconic video or VMA performance? Just breathe, it'll be okay. After this, you might want to study their knowledge of pop culture and help wherever you believe necessary because they are in close proximity to Hollywood now and some people take their pop stars very seriously.
Do not have a panic attack when driving with them for the first time and the ride taking twice as long as it would if you were behind the wheel. Remember that it is called the “California Stop” for a reason and inform them of the way we drive around here, because every Californian knows that if there is no one to stop for, there is no need to stop completely at the stop sign. That’s, like, a waste of gas right?
Keep your cool when explaining to them that you have been fishing as well, and no, you would rather not go again.
Try not to lose your mind during the winter when you will be forced to listen to their stories of snow and below-zero temperatures. Take it easy when letting them down by telling them that while you have skied at Heavenly and Big Bear, you have never, not once, had to shovel your own driveway. Also be compassionate when telling them that it is even possible to visit the beach and ski in the same day, sometimes without even changing your outfit, as “bikini-skiing” is actually a thing here. You may need to comfort them after disclosing this, so have tissues ready.
Hold back your tears upon hearing them say they have never been to Disneyland. Be brave as you go on to give them the day of their dreams- a day filled with fast passes, Mickey Mouse shaped ice cream, and Space Mountain. Let them know that they mustn’t keep this world of wonder from their future children and make them vow to visit again soon.
Relax when you hear the word “Cali” slip out of their mouth. Let them know that while perfectly suitable for an Olsen Twin movie circa 2001, that word is just not quite okay anymore. We have moved on and consider ourselves better than it.
Though these situations may be tough to handle, if you focus to remain calm, cool and collected, you will make it. Everything will be okay. Remember to let your friend know that there is no need to worry, because they have us now. We will take them under our wings and show them all our state has to offer so they can grow to love its beauty as much as we do. Who knows, maybe they will never even go back to their home state! What was it, again? Misso... Arkan... well, one of those.
