The Bible tells us that when The Last Judgment comes, “The Son of Man will send His angels, and they will collect out of His kingdom all who cause sin others to sin and evildoers. They will them into the fiery furnace, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth” (Matthew 13:41-42 NABRE).
Assuming the world doesn’t end beforehand, college students are preparing for the fiery furnace that is Finals Week. And unless you follow at least one of these tips, you can expect a lot of wailing and grinding of teeth.
1. Sacrifice a small animal to your preferred deity/deities.
Admittedly, I don’t know the exchange rate for animal sacrifices to passing grades. My best guess would be that sacrificing a squirrel is worth around a C, while sacrificing a goat will net you a solid B. Disclaimer: Although they share many similarities with small animals (such as being easily frightened and generally adorable), freshmen are NOT fair game to be sacrificed.
2) Move to another state and assume a new Identity.
You’ve missed two out of the three deadlines for your final essays, and the final one is in 15 minutes. Your professor has a zero-tolerance policy for late assignments, and your parents have a zero tolerance policy for failing out of college. You realize that your only option is to move to another state in the middle of the night and assume a new identity.
Once you fake your own death through a horrible (and explosive) vaping accident, it’s up to you to decide what state to live in and what name to use for your new identity. Personally, I’d avoid living anywhere below the Mason-Dixon Line, due to the bigotry masquerading as Christianity, and the fact that they still aren’t over the Civil War. I’d also avoid using a name for your new identity that’s particularly uncreative, like “Neil O’Neil” or “Betty Betterson.”
3. Make a deal with the devil.
I’m not going to lie; this probably won’t end well for you. In fact, there’s a 99.8% chance that you’ll have to endure an eternity of excruciation in exchange for passing that exam you never studied for. But failing that exam is probably worse than an eternity of excruciation, right?
4. Hire a body double or clone yourself.
I don’t actually know how you’d accomplish either of these suggestions. But they say necessity is the mother of invention, and you really need someone to take the fall for failing out of college. Ideally, you’d be off somewhere getting your act together while your body double or clone faces the consequences of your actions (or more likely, the consequences of your inaction). Be warned, however, that this might understandably piss off the body double/clone and make them plot against you. So don't be surprised when you finally reveal yourself and the body double or clone convinces your family that you’re not the real you.
5. Bribe your professor.
“All is fair in love and war.” The same goes for final exams. You might be a stereotypically broke college student, but everyone has a weakness for something, even your professor. Maybe they have a particular fondness for Beanie Babies, which you happen to have a vast collection of. Or perhaps your professor is recently divorced and your sibling, who just got out of prison, happens to be a perfect match for them.
