I was going to write an article about political philosophy but honestly I'm way too distracted. What am I distracted by, you're hopefully asking? The sun. The sun is a ridiculous distraction right now and I wish it would just stop, and I mean right this instant. It's way too hot. It's absurd. It's not even funny.

Seriously though the sun has been shining for thousands of years and if you ask me it's time for it to be done. Anything above 70 degrees is uncalled for and it makes doing anything impossible. The light hurts my eyes and it burns my skin and it makes me feel dead on the inside and I don't like it. I am legitimately angry right now.


You know what this is, too? It's not even about making plants grow or keeping people alive. It's nothing noble or altruistic like that. Those are just excuses for the sun's pride. The dang thing always has to be showing off, like, "oh look at me, shining and stuff, I'm so big and hot and bright, wow golly gee I'm great" and it's obnoxious. I've had more than enough of it and I'm done. I am 100% done. I get that the sun thinks it's pretty cool, but it's nothing but a ball of hot gas and it needs to be a little more humble, in my personal opinion.

Even typing this article is making me all heated up. What is this? What am I supposed to do? Drink water, put on a fan? Has the sun even considered for just a gosh diddly darn moment how inconvenient that might be for me? I don't think it has. It just keeps going and going without a care for anyone else and I am here to propose a solution that will make it stop for good:

We need to nuke the sun.

I'm not kidding. We had a good run, but this crap has gone on for far too long. We need to nuke the sun and blow it up so that we can get some peace and cold weather. The polar bears will thank us for saving their icebergs and then we'll all live happily ever after, the end.

So any time anyone wants to get on that, that would be great. Until then I'll be eating ice cream and waiting for winter. I don't mean to be rude, I really love the sun actually, I just feel like sometimes it needs a little honest, tough love. I say the things I say because I care about the sun, y'know? When I say nuke, I mean that metaphorically.


You're a good buddy, sun. F'real. You give us life and all that jazz, which is p sweet. You just need to relax a bit for a little while, that's all. Take a vaca, chillax.

We cool fam. We cool.